Your lips merge with your lover.
Dancing and nibbling.
Buttons unbutton, flesh connects, tingling and aching.
It’s time to have “the talk.” You know, the sex talk.
You’re in a new relationship and things are starting to get heated, there is attraction and desire and you want to have sex.
You’ve been together for many years but something has shifted in what you need or desire, or you’re fed up with something that has to change.
Wouldn’t it just be better to leave the words out and just go for it?
But what about safe sex? What about healthy boundaries and a clear discussion about what sex means to your relationship? If you stop kissing now and start talking, won’t it take the heat out of the moment?
There is a time and place for communication about sex and more importantly, there is an art to the practice of making it sexy.
Yes, it can take the passion out of the moment and all the fire out of desire, yet, at the same time you need to communicate about:
- Safer sex practices
- What you want from the relationship
- What’s on the table as far as sexual activity (boundaries)
- Recreating and reinventing the quality of your sexual connection
So how do you do it in a way that doesn’t throw cold water on a hot situation?
1) Timing is Everything:
You don’t want to start a safer/better sex conversation in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out session, but you also don’t want to start talking about having sex upon a first meeting (unless of course, you’re planning on having sex that night).
Start perhaps with sharing your intentions for your relationship, and if you don’t know them, then talk about that.
Example for a new relationship:
“I don’t know if I am looking for a committed relationship right now, but I would like a relationship that includes physical intimacy (sex). What are you looking for right now?”
“Oh, you want that too? Great! How about if I give you a sensual massage tonight?”
Example for a mature relationship:
“I deeply value our sex life and connecting with you intimately and I’d love to see what we can do to make it even hotter. Would you be open to having that conversation?”
“Sounds interesting. Sure.”
2) Location, Location, Location:
Discuss sex outside of the bedroom (or couch or kitchen table). Talk about sex over dinner out in a romantic setting or while out walking through the neighborhood. This turns the conversation into foreplay instead of something that’s interrupting the hot passionate moment.
3) Loving Linguistics:
Where and when are important, but how you say it, is the most powerful way to keep the fires burning.
There’s a big difference between stopping all physical interaction, sitting down seriously and having “the talk”, then whispering in each other’s ears, holding hands, and sharing sexual histories with sweet kisses in between shares.
Consider turning it into a dirty talk session. Communicating about sex can be sexy.
“Tonight, I’d like to take you home and have you for dessert! I want to lick you, nibble you, devour you. I want to keep you safe, so I’ll be sure to take precautions and only go as far as you desire.
There are other aspects of communication that create congruence with the message like body language, vocal tone, presence, and do the words you use match your lover’s Erotic Blueprint Type™ for turn on.
We dive into the artistry of Communication for Connection and Turn On in our Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course. Keep your eyes peeled for opportunities to join us.
4) Enough is Enough:
You don’t want to kill the whole thing with too much talk. There is a misconception that knowing everything about someone will improve your physical relationship and make sex better, but that isn’t true.
‘Emotional intimacy does not automatically equal hotter physical intimacy.’
What are the things that you absolutely need to know before having sex with someone?
For physical safety and health, you should know the other person’s STD/STI status. You should be very clear about your safer sex practices: use of condoms, dental dams, etc.
For emotional safety, you should also know what you are getting into. Does your potential lover want a committed relationship or are they just looking for a “hookup” or are they unclear as to what they want? In a long-term relationship, have resentments built up that need to be discussed and cleared?
Talking about your sexual boundaries or desires may not be necessary for you, but I do advise discussing these pieces as an effective tool for a deeper sexual experience. Revealing your erotic mind to a new lover, or a long-time partner can open up incredible worlds of sexual curiosity and exploration.
We all have boundaries, and much of the harm caused in a relationship comes from not honoring our own boundaries by declaring them and protecting them. If you’re starting something new, I strongly recommend that you do have the boundaries conversation.
Feeling safe and protected in your intimate encounters is a vital part of opening to the deepest pleasures.
Taking a page from the world of kink, having explicit conversations about what’s on the table and what’s off the table for a sexual escapade can allow you to play full out once you’re in between the sheets. This negotiation can be super-hot; creating anticipation, building trust, and allowing your most powerful sexual organ, the brain, to roam free into delicious fantasy and fun.
For years, I’ve been inventing practices and games to make sex communication exhilarating, enticing, and super rewarding: Sexy Sex Labs, Sex Communication Check Lists, Touch and Talk Games and sooooo much more. I hope to see you dive into our work someday soon, if you haven’t already, because I want you to discover all that is erotically possible.
There is an endless playground of earthly delights awaiting you. You just need to be brave enough to start the conversation and explore!
The important thing here is that you don’t need to spend hours going on and on about every relationship, every experience, and every little thing you like.
You can keep it short, sexy, and sweet, sharing only “need to know” information.
I’m a big advocate for clear and effective communication.
I’m also a big advocate of hot steamy lovemaking.
Be honest, be yourself, and follow these guidelines to do both with skill.
If I’m stressed out at work, I can step away from my desk and do a pleasure practice.
Here’s one Pleasure Practice you can try:
My favorite Pleasure First practice is stretching while I close my eyes as I contract my pelvic floor muscles and breathe in and out.
When I’m really overwhelmed, I gently tug my hair during the practice to feed my Kinky Blueprint.
Afterward, I’m present and ready to continue with my responsibilities for the day.
Your Pleasure First practice doesn’t have to look like mine, but it’s a game-changer to prioritize pleasure and incorporate pleasure practices into your daily schedule.
Knowing different resources and options that are available can help you be more confident in your sexy.
There have been times when I’ve felt alone in my eroticism, but once I found out there were others who shared my kinks or that there was a name for my specific interests, I knew I had found a place where I felt fully seen and sexy.
For me, this place is our Erotic Freedom Club. It’s our community where all consensual sexual desires and practices are accepted and celebrated. It’s a place where we can get raw and real about everything to do with sex and find empathy for our struggles and celebrations for our expansions and victories.
There are other sex-positive communities out there. I’d recommend finding one that works for you.
And I’d highly recommend enrolling in the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course. This course reveals all the layers of eroticism and pleasure available to help you make your sexy bounce off the charts. (link to EBBC Sales Page)
I can’t stress enough how important it is to embrace your journey.
Sometimes giving yourself the grace to explore your needs and desires can be exactly what you need to get your fire going.
No matter what route or methods you take to get your sexy back, remember that feeling sexy is an energy.
So, cultivate it, embody it and own it.