What were you taught about consent?
What do you wish you had been taught instead?
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Content Warning: This post includes stories of Abuse, Assault, Survival and Consent Breaks
If you’re not sure what consent in sexual encounters means, and you’re triggered by stories of assault, you can scroll to the bottom of this blog post and click on a humorous video about this very serious topic. Click on the “Tea Cup Consent” link.
(Above is an example of gaining your consent. I’m letting you know a little about what you’re going to read, so you can choose to continue or not. Feel into your body right now and see if you are a “Yes” or a “No”. Then, make a choice. If you’re an, “I don’t know,” take that as a “No” for now. You can change your mind later when you become a “Yes.”)
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When I was a little girl…
I was taught that women did not have a choice. My dad’s favorite Bible verses were about obeying the man of the house.
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
He chanted this verse daily, “Wives are supposed to submit to their husbands!”
I’m not sure of the intent of this passage in the Bible, but my father’s intent was to make sure that we did what he said at all times. I learned to fawn in order to survive a very dangerous man.
I was frequently forced to hug family members when I didn’t want to. I was touched and kissed and pinched when I didn’t want to be. I would hide at family functions because I didn’t want these things and was made fun of for being shy.
What I learned about consent:
- I have no voice as a woman
- Obey the man
- Submit (and not in a kinky, good conscious consensual way)
- My body is not my own and other people have the right to override me, I’m just a shy person and that is bad
Fast forward to my late teens…
I got deeply involved in the Tantra community.
I was very “spiritual” at the time and I wanted to become “enlightened”. In the community, we were taught that the path to bliss, ecstasy and enlightenment was to dissolve all boundaries.
Boundaries were bad. Boundaries needed to be healed so that I could become free.
I remember early on being at a community event; there was no discussion ahead of time about what was about to happen. I was blindfolded and led to my partner for the exercise.
I was laid down and he started to touch me and feed me and play with my body.
There was no conversation about consent.
Then they told the men to switch. Panic coursed through my body.
I didn’t know who was there. They kept switching, stranger after stranger touched my body.
I froze. I couldn’t speak. I cried quietly underneath my blindfold as sounds of ecstasy surrounded me.
I was 19.
The next morning we were digesting the exercise and I spoke up about how scared I was and how I couldn’t speak and that I was crying, and the workshop leader said to me “That’s your issues”.
I remember going into the bathroom crying, wondering what in the world was wrong with me – why couldn’t I get rid of my boundaries so I could become enlightened and attain ecstasy like everyone else?
When I became a Tantra teacher I ask why we didn’t let people know what the exercises were going to be ahead of time. I was told that if we did, no one would do the exercises or show up for the workshops and all kinds of resistance would show up.
I spent almost a decade trying to get rid of my boundaries.
What I learned about consent?
- Boundaries are a bad thing and unhealthy. You will not attain enlightenment or ecstasy without freeing yourself of boundaries
- If I have an issue when men are touching me freely and I don’t enjoy it, then I am broken and need to overcome my fear
- Asking for a consent conversation, or telling people what you are going to do, ruins the energy and causes people to not show up for your workshop or do the exercises
Fast forward to just after my 30th birthday…
Several women and clients share with me that a “Sexual Healer,” a leader in my Tantra community violated them and even raped them.
I confront this man. He begins screaming at me. Verbally assaulting me and threatening me, demanding that I tell him who is making these claims.
I refuse, because the women told me in strict confidence, asking me to keep their identities secret for fear of reprisals from this man or others in the community.
He continues. Telling me I am triangulating and making false accusations. The threats continue.
I talk to other people in the community for support, but I am told to “heal my heart.” and that if I speak out against this leader that I will ruin the Tantra community.
One other “healer” even told me that I would affect his livelihood if I spoke out because he “heals” all the clients that the other healer is hurting (it disgusted me, he knew that this man was hurting women, but he was banking off of it).
What I learned about consent?
- If there is a consent violation and you speak up about it, you will be shunned by the tribe
- If there is a consent violation, many women will hide in silence or turn around and blame themselves for the violation occurring
- If there is a consent violation or even a lack of a consent conversation it is the client’s fault
- I would no longer stand for the poor ethics around sexuality that I had been taught and I wasn’t going to find a consent conversation in this particular Tantra community – so, it was time to leave and really learn about consent
The women in this community, for their own reasons at the time, refused to come forward and pursue justice.
Most members of the community refused to confront the ugly truths of what was being done in the name of “enlightenment” and “healing.”
A couple of people took their own stand and left this tribe, and soon after these events transpired, I left.
Ultimately, it was a gift, because it was then that I committed to the practice of consciously getting and giving consent.
Conscious Consent Conversations: a practice that has become mandatory in our modern culture as movements like #Metoo have emerged, forcing us to confront the unspoken harms, injustice and emotional carnage that has been swept under the rug for far too long.
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What I wished I had learned about consent:
- That my body was my own and I had a right to say “No” if I didn’t want to hug, be touched or have sex.
- That consent conversations were the most powerful way to create safety for myself and for others.
- That boundaries were healthy and “maybe” means “no,” because a clear “Yes!” is the only thing that means “Yes!”
- If there is a consent violation it is your right to be heard, it’s not okay for someone to threaten you to keep you or others silent.
- Consent violations can be cleaned up by acknowledging the truth, taking responsibility for the break, being held accountable, having care and compassion and taking steps to make sure the violation never happens again.
- Consent is more than a conversation just about sex. Consent is woven throughout our daily actions.
Since I left the Tantra community over a decade ago, my fierce commitment to consent has become a foundation of my work.
It is consent that creates authentic safety in our intimate and sexual encounters, allowing us to open fully to transcendent orgasmic bliss.
It is the safety created by conscious consent that opens the door to true and lasting “Enlightenment!”
Where are you unconsciously giving consent where you don’t want to?
Where are you breaking your own boundaries or allowing them to be broken?
How can you begin to establish the healthy boundaries that keep you safe?
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As promised, here’s the Tea Cup Consent Video. A lighter approach to a very important and vital topic.
If you or anyone you know is suffering, get help!
You can reach out to:
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
Contact them here:
https://www.rainn.org
1(800)656-HOPE (4673)
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Please help the cause and make a donation by texting: ‘JAIYA’ to ’41-444′
I understand that The Bible has (is being) been used to oppress minorities and women. Yes Ephesians chapter 5 does call for wives to submit to their husbands as the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. I would submit this for consideration: In the same chapter Ephesians 5:25 husbands are ordered to love their wives as Christ loved the church and as he gave himself up for her. I believe the husband is ordered to have an even GREATER duty of sacrifice/service to his wife. I belive that Christ substitutionally offered his life and for his bridegroom, the church. That is the magnitude of submission men are called to have towards their wives. If the husband and wife both put the marriage first and mutually sacrifice (make accommodations) then the foundation of a long and happy relationship develops. I belive in Jesus Christ, I love my wife and I do anything in my power to help her and our marriage. I am FAR from a perfect husband but I try every day.
-Thanks for your work, research, blog and sharing with everyone.
Have a great weekend.
Jaiya.. I am following your work… and I am grateful to you for this incredibly brave share. I received it with horror and anger and a strong desire to embrace you as a sister. I am so pissed off at how you’ve been treated. A beautiful, smart soul treated with such disrespect. Thank you for turning your pain into healing and contribution. That takes some moxie! You work is powerful and honest and respectful. Kudos to you and thank you.
Jaiya, you speak to the depths of my heart and soul as if I am you. Bless you for this authentic representation of truth and for your fearlessness in sharing it, as it’s most healing for me to read what I had no idea of how to put into words. Much has been kicked up from my roots over the past few weeks and I’ve never had a clear understanding of where it truly started until I read your story. ?? Thank You.
I was sexually abused by a trusted worker who lived on our farm in a hut quite a way from the actual house, he had been a trusted person, would be left alone with my brother and i while my parents were milking the cows etc., he came to the house to mind us and had dinner with us i am not sure about other meals. He carried me down to the hut, piggy back style, on the way he put me up on the high wooden fence and we watched the pigs, sang the songs, mainly nursery rhymes that i was used to singing with him. The he carried me on his shoulder the rest of the way, light and playful until the door of his hut. I was not meant to go in there, and never had been before, and said so, he said just for a minute i want to show you something. he laid me on the bed and raped my mouth…afterwards the worse crime of all was to tell me it was all my fault, i was a dirty little girl, and no-one would believe me if I told, because he was an adult and they would believe me. he touched my body and my cunt on that bed but details are hazy… carried me back to the house, and left me where he had found me. I had been practising my letters and numbers with a stick in the red dirt by the tank stand. I never saw him again and I did not speak of it until I was 13, when travelling at night with my parents. I started to tell them about a bad nightmare I had had forever and before I could get far into my story, Dad interrupted and said, he almost molested you he did not actually hurt you. Apparently he had gone to Dad the next morning and said, take me to jail, i almost molested your daughter, Dad had him pack his belongings and took him out to the highway to hitch hike away….
I did not speak about it again, until I was 21 and had met the man I would marry the following year, finally I was heard, believed and found my voice. It did not end there, and by my 30s I had memories and flashbacks, the lid of the box I had buried the episode in, and locked away, came undone. I sought counselling, and after 2 hit and misses, ended up with a book, doing my own reading and journalling, every day for many months until i learnt how to just let tears fall, rather than deep gut wrenching sobbing.
I continue to heal to this day and while I tell myself I am a survivor and will not give it the power to hurt me anymore, the damage done at such a young age was to believe the world was not a safe place, and no matter how loud you screamed for help, sometimes, no body comes, and that sadly it still with me a little bit.
Yet I am smiling now as I write this, I have come along way and helped many other victims of abuse, incredible how many i have met over the years, some males as well. I had a counselling business for a time. I am a semi retired teacher. I am a whole person and chose each day, not to think of myself as broken. I am 63, been with my wonderful husband for 42 years. 3 kids between us and 6 grandchildren.
Thank you for writing on this topic Jaiya! I have run into similar attitudes about consent and boundaries in communities and in myself… But it’s like you say, the more the boundaries are clear and the consent is 100%, the more you can let go and experience pleasure! Still, even with this knowledge, I am afraid to initiate conversations about boundaries…
Thank you so very much for this direct, honest, helpful post. I believe it your best short statement yet on this important set of topics.
I was raped at the age of 5 or 6, I told my dad and he laughed and said “he wouldn’t do that”. I had a “man” of one of my mom’s friends wake me up to him touching me and looking down the back of my pants when I was 11. My sister and I had a neighborhood boy sexually abuse us. I can’t help but feel that this has destroyed a piece of my sexuality. I have never had an orgasm, and I am 35. I often feel some of the aspects of sex are gross, but I do enjoy the feeling of it. I just feel like something is wrong with me because of what was done. Would you have any advice about really enjoying myself and my partner of 9 years?