Trigger Warning: This article discusses trauma, abuse, rape and the effects of such trauma. Also, please note that this is incredibly vulnerable territory, I’m taking a deep breath and sharing my personal story with you in hopes to help others who have had experiences like this in their lives.
In Part One of this article I discussed the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Trauma on sexuality and relationships. Specifically my own sexuality and relationships.
I mentioned that someone in my life shared their story with me, which led me on a journey to healing C-PTSD (See Part 1 to understand the difference of PTSD to C-PTSD).
In Part 2 I’ll share my healing journey with you in hopes that you or someone you know can also find their way to healing too.
In searching for a way to heal trauma I found many methods that helped me to manage the C-PTSD.
Somatic Experiencing, a body oriented approach to healing trauma and stress disorders, was effective in helping me uncover the traumas and regulate my nervous system.
I went on an herbal regimen given to me by the Amen clinic after analyzing my brain scans; SAMe, Gaba, and other brain boosting supplements.
I tried EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which is a psychotherapeutic tool used to help alleviate stress related to traumatic memories, but didn’t find it effective for me. This therapy has been effective for others and I do recommend trying it, if you have experienced trauma.
I also worked with an Attachment and Childhood Developmental Trauma Therapist, which helped greatly to understand more about my attachment style and the effects of the trauma on my relationships.
While I was managing the C-PTSD and things would improve; I’d have days where it seemed hopeless.
I didn’t want to manage this. I wanted it healed.
The therapists I was working with all stated that I was in the top 10% for severity of trauma and that it would be this way until it wasn’t. Some of what I read told me that C-PTSD was not healable.
The more I read about C-PTSD and about those people who were treatment resistant the more I identified with it and my symptoms worsened.
I started to go to some really dark places in my mind.
My career felt pointless and empty. I hated being a mother. My relationship with my partner was greatly suffering.
I had to find a cure.
Luckily I met a woman who had cured her C-PTSD. I am so grateful for the brief meeting and her courage to share her story with me. When I heard what helped her… I froze.
Her saving grace was an experimental new therapy called MDMA Assisted Psychotherapy.
Let me give a little history here.
Remember those commercials back in the 80’s – This is your brain on drugs, with the frying egg in the pan. That was ingrained in my brain. I had been anti-drugs most of my life.
As a teen I was part of a group called Teen-Institute who were kids against alcohol and drugs. My father was an alcoholic and I lumped that in with all drugs. Not to mention I rarely took medication, I had to be really sick to even get a prescription, as I preferred an herbal solution to healing everything.
So when I heard that MDMA, which is currently a Schedule 1 – Illegal drug, was the answer to healing C-PTSD, I struggled deeply. It would take hitting rock bottom for me to say yes to trying this experimental therapy.
As of writing this article MDMA and Psychedelic Assisted Psychotherapy is still not legal in the United States and elsewhere in the world.
However, Phase 3 Trials are underway and this medicine has been fast tracked by being given Breakthrough Therapy Designation by the FDA, due to the amount of U.S. soldiers getting relief from PTSD with this medicine.
The recent stats state that 22 veterns commit suicide daily.
Yes, you read that right, daily!
And when given MDMA assisted psychotherapy, even treatment resistant PTSD is improved or cured. MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies) is currently doing major research to see MDMA Assisted Therapy approved by the FDA as a prescription medicine by 2021.
If you aren’t familiar with MDMA, it is commonly confused with “Ecstasy” or “Molly” – the party or club drugs.
It is not the same thing. Those are street drugs that often contain dangerous chemicals and adulterated substances.
MDMA has been proven safe for human consumption and is an empathogen, meaning it affects hormones in the brain like serotonin and oxytocin, thus increasing the ability to have empathy and feel deeper connection and love.
Studies have shown that after 12 months 76% of participants who received MDMA Assisted Psychotherapy no longer had PTSD.
Yes, you read that right too, 76% of participants, 1 year later!
If you are interested in supporting this research or wanting to become a participant in research by receiving this therapy check out the MAPS website.
I was incredibly nervous going into my first session. It took more courage than I thought it would. And I was also excited.
If this works 76% of the time I had a good chance it would be the end of my C-PTSD.
And for me, it worked and was an absolute, unadulterated miracle!
It’s been almost a year since my first session, and I can proudly say I haven’t had a nightmare since.
I can eat whatever I want, no more crazy dieting or intense digestive issues. I’m closer than ever to my partner and I no longer have C-PTSD symptoms.
I view the world through a completely different lens. It’s as if there is a new iteration of myself, one that never had the trauma in the first place.
After my very first session most of the symptoms went away.
My attachment style shifted from mostly Avoidant to pretty darn Secure. I realized that it was okay to have comfort and love.
My second session was very hard, but it cleared deeper unconscious traumas.
My third session was an experience of oneness, so hard to put into words, and it took me out of the final loop of trauma.
I did a fourth session because I started to have a new question appearing, an existential question. “How could God allow children and women to experience so much abuse?”
This session was the last piece, and the finale to my journey of healing. It was a profound mystical experience, what is called in the research a “Complete Mystical Experience”.
It’s not dissimilar to what people report with Near Death Experiences. There is a oneness, a timelessness, it’s indescribable. There is a feeling of love and bliss, there is an experience of being whole and complete.
In this I realized I was not broken. That I was whole and perfect as I am.
There was no monster and there is no duality.
It’s all one.
And I got the answer to my question, which is a whole other story, for another time.
Since having these experiences, life has become a life of deep acceptance of what is, and it’s glorious.
I always had access to bliss through sexuality, but now I have access to a freedom I didn’t know was possible, and unconditional love is everywhere. I can never be separate from it.
My Erotic Blueprint™ shifted drastically as I healed. I went from a high Sexual/Energetic to more of a high Sensual/Energetic and so much more relaxed around my sexuality and desires.
So much more accepting of whatever shows up in the moment is available to me.
I share this story with you because so many people can be helped through these medicines and they have been demonized for so long. The growing body of research suggests, done correctly with pure medications, these drugs fall in the healthy spectrum and can create profound and lasting transformation for the people who use them properly.
These practices and medications do not work for everyone. It’s absolutely vital that you find legitimate practitioners who have experience and training in sitting with you for your sessions and in helping you integrate the wisdom and rewiring that may arise during your sessions.
Without integration, many people may have a profound experience while in session, but the full value may not be realized, necessary changes to daily life may not be implemented and the positive effects may not be lasting.
Always do your research, as much of the work is still currently being done underground, and you need to fully trust your guide and the materials they are using.
This is not medical advice:
Though this process worked for me, I am not a doctor or therapist and I am not recommending you should approach your own healing with these practices and methods.
Get advice from a medical professional before choosing this or any other type of therapy.
No matter what you choose to do for yourself, I want you to know…
You are whole and complete just the way you are.
I know that it may be hard to accept, but it’s true…
You are more magnificent than you know.
You are love.