Have you ever just meant for sex to be a casual encounter, but found the person that you frolicked with completely attached to you?
Or have you ever wanted a casual encounter to be more than just a fling, but didn’t know how to go about changing that?
To get the outcome you desire, you need to understand the difference between sex that creates a deeply attached emotional and physical bond, and casual sex.
I was working with one of my Ultimate Lover students. He was recently single and decided to practice some of what he learned with casual sexual partners.
I’m all about protecting people emotionally and physically. So, I gave him some guidelines to help him keep things clear for everyone involved.
Keeping It Casual Guidelines
Guide #1 – Communicate Your Intentions – Be honest. Don’t tell your potential romp that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Tell them straight that you are looking for a casual, no-strings attached experience. That way they can choose to be a “yes” or “no” and aren’t expecting something more.
Guide #2 – Getting Off is Good – There is nothing wrong with a quickie. From a sex geek perspective, there is a hormonal reason why having a quick and powerful orgasm keeps it light. Dopamine, which is a hormone that gets released at the moment of orgasm, is a high which thrives on new sexual partners.
Guide #3 – Group Fun – If you are up for the adventure, threesomes, foursomes or more can help keep the emotional attachments at bay. In a group experience, there isn’t much fixation on pair bonding, therefore it can help keep things casual.
If, on the other hand, you’re looking to bond more deeply with someone, use the following guidelines, but try to stay away from these if you want to keep it casual.
Deep Bonding Guidelines
Guide #1 – Eye Gazing – Looking deep into someone’s eyes with loving intention and presence can make them feel great, like they are the only person in the world. It also can get you both producing more oxytocin, which is the love and bonding hormone.
Guide #2 – Stroking and Cuddles – Before you have intercourse spend a lot of time stroking and cuddling, while you are making love stroke and cuddle and eye gaze, after you’ve had an orgasm – stroke and cuddle. To deepen bonds, I like to stroke and cuddle, while having a little pillow talk, for at least 30 minutes after having an orgasm. This is another oxytocin builder.
Guide #3 – Prolong your Lovemaking – Linger in intimate connection, touch, pleasure, and enjoyment. Prolonging the time you spend making love helps you to balance the hormones dopamine and prolactin, both of which can distance you from your partner. You may even want to attempt not having an orgasm and see what happens to your desire for each other.
I’m not saying that you can’t use some of the bonding techniques during casual sex.
For me sex without stroking, for example, just wouldn’t be that great.
What helps is being clear in my intention and communicating that, as well as knowing what might happen if I play with sexual techniques that create bonds.
No matter how clear you are about your intentions and no matter how consciously you employ these tools for casual vs. bonded sex, you are playing with powerful energies.
Hormones and pheromones are being stirred up. Everyone has a different set of expectations when it comes to sex. So, your sex partner may get upset, if they have a different idea of what it all means or if their desires change once you’ve consummated the act.
Learn to be empathetic and self-responsible in your communication. It’s possible to navigate these conversations consciously and with respect.
If I am conscious as to what I am doing, then I can be conscious about the fact that what I desire is only casual vs. bonding. At least that way people are less likely to get hurt.
BE CLEAR! BE SAFE! and HAVE FUN!