I am no authority on self-pleasure.
I came to develop a self-pleasure practice at the age of sixty with basically no working knowledge of my pleasure anatomy outside of the exquisite pleasure of partnered sex with my husband and lover of 40 years…
And the occasional, somewhat timid self-exploration.
Having grown up as a clumsy person with next to no connection with my amazing body, and under the taboo that “Girls don’t do that!”, self-pleasure practice rapidly became a pathway to pleasures previously unknown.
I approached self-pleasure in the form of a “sex-life challenge”.
I committed to 100 days of exploration.
I let go of expectations for results and made it to 75 days!
My inspiration came from Jaiya who documented her 101 days of self-pleasure.
I was motivated by a desire to:
- Bring health and vibrancy to my genitals
- Take ownership of my body
- And understand my anatomy through experience, not through a textbook
How did I create a Self-Pleasure Practice to sustain me for 75 days in my 60’s??
Here are 7 tips I used to get started and how you can too, no matter your age:
1) Create an Intention
I wanted a deep connection with my body, to know my own body intimately, to take ownership of my body and to learn what my body was capable of experiencing.
With this in mind, I created my practice.
Each day of my practice I would pour a bath, fasciablast my body, rub oils and creams into my skin and lovingly create my self-pleasure nest – a soft, safe, contained space in my room.
I would warm the room so I could be comfortable naked, prepare my lubes and toys and the soundscape, whether silence or music and approach myself with reverence.
2) Know the type of pleasure you want to experience
Part of my learning has been to check in with what sort of pleasure I really wanted at any given time.
Do l want a slippery, gentle lube or something thicker or oilier?
Do I want lots of lube or a little?
Do I want clitoral play or to explore other areas?
Do I want a gentle, thoughtful touch or am I up for some sharp slaps?
As a person who grew up feeling largely invisible, this has been huge and has impacted many areas of my life.
3) Explore Your Pleasure Anatomy
The first time I stepped into this challenge, my clit became super responsive. I engorged quickly and easily.
I started to experience orgasms with new ease and to understand where and how in my own pleasure anatomy things were happening.
For example, I knew how to stimulate parts of my urethral sponge to bring deep and dark pleasure. Deepening my understanding of my own anatomy I could start making more specific requests of my amazing lover.
4) Allow Your Emotions and Body to Flow
During this challenge, I accessed more emotional and psychological release, as part of my holistic approach to my wellbeing.
I vocalized, laughed, cried and screamed, allowing access to a wide range of emotions, as I experienced varying intensities of pleasure.
I believe there is a big link between our voice and our genitals – apart from the similarity in the tissues found in these structures.
I also welcomed a range of body movements – sometimes waves of pleasure and other times larger thrashing type movements. Each of these brought me an immense feeling of letting go – breaking out of patterns long held.
5) Switch Up Your Self-Pleasure Routine
I have observed that I quickly learn pathways that produce desirable results and these become patterns in my self-pleasure routine. These patterns can then become habits which can lead to undesired results.
For example, during my Self-Pleasure practice, my right butt cheek became locked up and my lower back started to ache. My pattern had become a rut and was heading to a grave.
I had a strong preference for right-handed play with a clenched right butt cheek!
I needed to find some solutions.
What about the other hand? What about alternating hands? What about playing with tension and relaxation? What about staying in touch with my body?
There are so many options. So much to explore!
This is yet again deepening my body awareness and increasing my resilience.
6) Get Nerdy With It
I am a bit of a nerd.
I studied sciences at University.
I like to understand things. I have chosen not to use hormone replacement therapy so I have been seeking alternatives for my health.
For example, Oxytocin, the “feel good” hormone, courses through my body when sexually aroused. This results in healthier, glowing skin but also positively impacts my bones!* You can see me nerd out more by reading my blog post, “How I healed by Creating Amazing Sex”.
In my nerdiness, I listen to everyone’s podcasts and I’m regularly on Jaiya Ma’s Pleasure Mastery Q&A calls. I also use the ideas in books such as Blow Each Other Away by Jaiya in my own exploration.
I am hungry to know more and to try more things.
This has led me to the U-spot and the P-spot and to accessing anal pleasure. So, butt plugs and yoni eggs have been explored and wired in for my pleasure!
7) Seek additional support:
I visited a Sexological Bodyworker in Los Angeles, Ellen Heed.
She helped me understand that bringing engorgement, that is blood flow, would facilitate healing for my beleaguered yoni – my preferred term for the vulva (as it means field of pleasure) and my vagina.
Ellen taught me how to release scar tissue from a hysterectomy that had developed into a keloidal scar and helped me understand the impact of scar tissue on my abdominal health.
Ellen explains that the pelvic floor becomes less responsive and bound up with scar tissue. Using castor oil, heat packs and other resources from Ellen, my digestion and moods improved.
Having been in an intense healing and transformation phase for many years, I feel like I am thawing out and moving into new energies.
I have become more curious, feel genuine gratitude and have started to exercise my creativity – something that has been on hold for a long time.
Through deep exploration of self-pleasure and being prepared to break through my own resistance, I have come to love my body.
I appreciate life in a whole new and rich way.
I have deepened my relationship with my life partner, as I am now more confident of what I want both in and out of the bedroom.
I found my voice through screaming, orgasmic release and in expressing more of who I am.
BIO: Helen is a Certified Erotic Blueprint Coach™ She is married to Philip, has three adult children and resides in Melbourne, Australia. Helen’s coaching is informed by a holistic lifestyle and long-term conscious partnership, spreading Pleasure Waves around the globe.
For further information, please visit pleasurewaves.com.au.
You can also contact Helen at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Beranger GE, Djedaini M, Battaglia S, et al. Oxytocin reverses osteoporosis in a sex-dependent manner. Front Endocrinol (Lausanne). 2015;6:81. Published 2015 May 19. doi:10.3389/fendo.2015.00081