A few facts: I am 62 years old. I identify as pansexual, pangender, and polyamorous. I am white from a privileged middle-class background. I have been married twice to women, the first time at 19 for a year and the second time at 28 for 28 years. My second wife abused me emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually by withholding sex for the last 18 years of our marriage. I am an open-mic poet and use that platform to process my experiences and trauma.
I decided when I left my second marriage that I would not hide anymore.
All my friends, family, and most of my co-workers now know my identities. I write about the joys and difficulties of multiple partners in my poetry. I like to sparkle and wear what would be classified in the vanilla world as women’s jewelry. I am mildly kinky and identify as the left side of the slash.
I was 57 when I left my second marriage in 2017. I have been doing somatic work to heal the trauma of that time and my childhood. My trauma manifests as an inability to orgasm with a partner. I can self-pleasure myself to orgasm, but with partners, I reach a pleasure plateau and then slowly ‘come down’ from there. I remain deeply, intimately connected to my partners, but they all wish for me the same orgasmic pleasure they find with me. I continue to work on resolving this trauma through the Erotic Blueprints™ and somatic experiencing therapy.
I desire everyone who is younger than I to know that deep, intimate, pleasurable, joyous emotional and sexual connections are not only possible but, in my experience and in talking with many others my age, the norm as we grow older.
My pleasure is different than it was when I was in my 20s, and could easily climax, but my internal experience of pleasure is richer and more profound with each passing day. I would not go back in time even if that were possible. I am a better lover, partner, and companion now than I ever have been.
Ageism in the sex-positive world is a very real thing. One simple exercise we can all do is to ask ourselves, how would I desire to experience my body and my sex life when I am (your current age plus 20 years)? I would urge those reading this to do this simple process; the Divine willing, you will someday be that age and it would be glorious for your life to be as full and rich as mine is, even without partner orgasms!
And, I would invite all of us to be curious about how our bodies respond right now, in this moment. The ‘right now’ is all we have; past and future are projections. It is easy to get into habits of response based on where we were in our life cycle 1, 5 or 20 years ago, even though our bodies and responses are constantly changing from birth to death.
I once was despairing of ever feeling pleasure again. However, through knowledge of the Erotic Blueprints and consistent self-work I now am more alive than I have ever been. One technique that helped me in this exploration is simple mindfulness: paying attention to my breath, and thus to my whole body as my awareness expands into the edges of my skin.
What do I feel right now? How do those body sensations help anchor me into this present moment?
It is also easy to place value judgments on our body sensations. Working with other Erotic Blueprint coaches has helped me to simply exist in the reality of my body and body sensations, using them as information to deepen my relationships and life experiences.
Our bodies change inevitably; our minds and spirits only become richer and more integrated. I invite you to contemplate the ageing process not in fear but with joy, knowing that your experiences and connections will only deepen with time.