(This piece was a part of my writing for Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied. It has a kinky through line (yay!), and the tools shared here apply for every Blueprint Type. Enjoy!)
Key #1: Know Them and Use Them As Fuel
The first trick to using these emotions for arousal is to know how to use them as fuel for your eroticism. Instead of seeing them as something you need to suppress, or something that is negative, use the unexpected emotions consciously and to your benefit.
I’ve given you a map to help you uncover how you are wired in The Erotic Blueprint Quiz.
Now, let’s take a look at what aphrodisiac emotional states energize your arousal.
Step One: I want you to think back to three of your hottest, most satisfying sexual experiences.
Write each one of them down with as much detail as possible.
What was the situation? How did you feel? What activities did you do? What were you thinking? Etc….
Step Two: Pick out the aphrodisiac states or emotions in each of the three scenarios.
Make a list for each scenario. Notice if there are any similarities or if the emotional state was simply a one-time fluke.
Did you feel connection emotions? Did you feel any of the unexpected aphrodisiac emotions?
Step Three: Now write down two of your biggest fantasies.
If you don’t fantasize, what are some thoughts you have about your lover (or a potential lover)?
Do you notice certain things you like about his/her body? Are there certain things you wish you could do sexually? Read a bit of erotica and pay attention to the stories that turn you on the most.
Step Four: Pick out the aphrodisiac states that are present in your fantasies, or in erotic stories. Is there a naughty factor? Is there love and connection? Is there revenge?
Step Five: Take note of any aphrodisiac states (expected or unexpected) that run through both your real life experiences and your fantasies.
Are there similarities? Are there differences?
If you find aphrodisiac states that seem to run throughout, especially if they run through both your real life experiences and your fantasies, then most likely they are your aphrodisiac emotional states.
Now that you are conscious of them you can really have fun with them!
If you have a partner, have them do this same exercise so that you know more about what states you can use as fuel for their B-Spot (Your brain that is)!
Key #2: Get The Right Dose
The second key to unlocking your aphrodisiac states is to know exactly what the right dose of the aphrodisiac emotion you need before it becomes an anti-aphrodisiac.
Laura fantasized about having sex in a public place. It was the anxiety of possibly being caught that really turned her on.
The first time she tried living out this fantasy, she found that she couldn’t get aroused; she was too worried about getting caught. The public place she had chosen posed too much of a risk that someone might actually catch her having sex.
Her desire to live out this fantasy was so strong that she decided to try again, this time leaving the lights on and the curtains open in her house.
This way there was less of a risk factor and thus, less anxiety. This time her arousal and pleasure were enhanced, as opposed to being diminished by too much anxiety.
The Right Dose of Connection, Conscious Mystery and Obstacle:
We all know that deep intimacy and connection help to fuel our sex lives, but there are a handful of sex therapists that agree: too much connection and emotional intimacy can be a bad thing – an anti-aphrodisiac.
Esther Perel writes, “Ironically what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. It may be counterintuitive, but it’s been my experience as a therapist that increased emotional intimacy is often accompanied by decreased sexual desire.”
I too have seen this issue infiltrate my office. Couples complain that they are so close, they love each other so much, but their sex life is suffering to the point of extinction.
In my early professional days, I was taught the closer you are the better the sex. Fix the emotional intimacy, and the hot sex will come.
Esther Perel sums it up beautifully. “It is too easily assumed that the problems with sex are a result of a lack of closeness. But my point is that perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. We want closeness, but not so much that we feel trapped by it.”
So, how do we get the right dose of connection?
What is the answer to too much closeness?
Jack Morin has a brilliant formula for hotter sex. Attraction + Obstacle = Hot Sex.
We need obstacles and mystery in order to maintain sexual fire.
Many couples think that if they spend all their time together, love each other, and share deep emotional intimacy, then they will have hot sex for a lifetime.
As you’ve learned, the erotic doesn’t work that way. It’s like a flame, that when smothered, goes out.
The good news is that the flame can be reignited when couples are willing to create the right conditions for the erotic heat to begin again.
Try the following to create some conscious mystery and obstacle:
- Take an evening or an afternoon for yourself – don’t let your lover know what you are up to
- Take a class on something you always wanted to try
- Become interesting by doing interesting things by yourself or with friends
- Take your self (or your lover) on a secret vacation
- Take your lover on a secret date
- During dinner create a rule where you can only feed each other
- Keep your clothing on while making out
- Keep your underwear on during sex
- Use a blindfold
- Play with power dynamics that build anticipation
- Restrain your lover so they can’t escape
During my deep dive experiment into 40 days of dominance and 40 days of submission with my partner Ian, in the last 10 days in my submissive role I never knew what was going to happen.
The mystery was so captivating.
The anticipation always had me on erotic edge.
It was cruel and delicious at the same time. My arousal was through the roof.
If you are experiencing a dip in your libido and your desire; and you have ruled out hormones, stress, health issues, scar tissue, and pain; then you may want to take a look at the doses of expected and unexpected emotions you are experiencing and adjust them by using KEY #3.
Key #3: Transforming Aphrodisiac States
Many emotions are fleeting and quickly transform into a new feeling.
The troublesome emotions are those that do not transform, they hold on and become rigid fixtures in our lives.
You may have a few of these that you try not to feel, but that only ingrains the emotions deeper. This can also happen with a scene.
The expected and unexpected aphrodisiac emotional states must transform into an opposite or they may turn into anti-aphrodisiacs.
Yes, even emotions such as love, connection and joy, may need to transform.
Connection may prevent autonomy, which feeds oxygen to your sexual fires. Joy may cover up fear. You may need fear in order for you to fully blossom into your erotic peak.
Imagine a Dominant skipping around the room in total joy for an entire scene, without instilling any fear in their submissive that uses it for catharsis – their main motivation for practicing out of the box sex.
Here’s an example: I often talk about the amygdala, the part of the brain that is involved in fear and unconscious sexual desire?
During play with our lover, fear gets transformed because eventually we realize that we aren’t really in danger, that there really is nothing to be afraid of, that essentially we are safe with our kinky play partner – then the body uses the adrenaline that was created into more sexual desire and pleasure!
Isn’t it all so fascinating?
During sex you are not usually conscious that you are transforming the expected and unexpected emotions. You may not realize that you move from feeling naughty or guilty into feeling free and alive.
Sex starts out with just the right dose, but the emotion doesn’t stay static, it needs to transform in order for there to be a build in arousal. The emotions flow.
However, if the emotions do not flow and instead build, they become great anti-aphrodisiacs. You must have the skill or unconscious ability to be able to transform the unexpected emotion at just the right time.
Easier said than done.
Steps to transforming an aphrodisiac emotion before it turns to an anti- aphrodisiac emotion:
1. Accept the emotion and be conscious of its presence
2. Know the opposite emotion so that you know your goal
- Insecurity to Security
- Anger to Gratitude
- Vulnerability to Strength
- Guilt to Freedom
- Connection to Autonomy
- Dread to Safety
- Comfort to Shock
3. Shift the emotion to it’s opposite using the following tools:
Intention: Become aware of your emotional states and focus on consciously shifting them to the opposite emotion. Simply set the intention that you are going to shift your emotion now.
New Activity: Try something new. For example: Dominants, if you have been creating fear by threatening a spanking or other punishment, but you notice your submissive’s arousal level going down, try a new activity to keep the erotic charge high. When you first begin playing with power, submissives could even create a signal (like a code word or hand gesture) to let their partner know that they need to transform the emotional state they are in.
Deep Breathing: Breath can drastically shift your state. Try breathing slowly and deeply, while focusing on your exhale. Try breathing deeply and rapidly with your focus on the inhale to increase your excitement and energy levels.
Slow Down & Check In: Is your arousal dipping? Slow down and ask yourself what you need in order to transform your emotional state. What would help you feel safer, freer, more grateful, more naughty, etc?
Key #4: Right Arousal Timing
Now that you know your aphrodisiac emotions, you have the right dose to use them as fuel, and you’ve learned how to consciously transform them, you’re ready for the final key to fully utilize these expected and unexpected emotions…
In order for an aphrodisiac emotion to have the full effect it needs to begin, and to rise together with arousal; mix arousal with the right dose of guilt at just the right time and you suddenly have a libido-boosting recipe.
The trick is to be in a state of arousal and to consciously use the aphrodisiac emotions to boost that arousal; then to know when to transform the emotion or lower the dosage of that emotion so that you can keep using it as fuel for your, or your partner’s, turn on.
As a Dominant, these keys will be important information to have when it comes to creating a great scene. Use too much fear, too much discipline, too frequent rewards, too much dread or guilt, and suddenly you’ve created the opposite effect of what you are desiring.
You will also want to know what emotions to create that are slower to spike, so that your scenes last longer; like dread and fear, for example. In his controversial book The Forked Tongue, Flagg writes:
Dread is far better than fear. Fear spikes, burns out and may even build resolve. Dread weakens, debilitates, and erodes resolve. So in everything you do, always leave yourself room to escalate. Calm is better than shouting; slow and deliberate is better than sudden. Take your time, time is your friend.
As part of my research, I did a day long intensive with an exclusive dominatrix in Los Angeles.
Ivy Young is a gorgeous Asian woman with a sweet, yet wicked laugh. I had already experienced two sessions with her as a submissive, but now I was coming to her to study the art of dominance.
Ivy had prepared by bringing a practice partner for me. He had been a submissive to her for 8 years and she was entrusting me with him. “Can I watch you do a scene with him first?” I asked.
I wasn’t quite ready to practice on a real body.
I wanted to watch her in action so that I could get a feel for a scene. “Of course,” she said.
“Stand over there, facing the wall.” She motioned to her submissive to move to a chair in the corner and picked up a riding crop. I noticed right away how Ivy played with his emotions.
She’d give him rewards at just the right time. She’d punish him too. I could see the dread and anticipation of punishment on his face.
She’d move slowly and methodically, owning the space and taking her time.
She loved games.
These games gave her submissive anticipation of either dreaded punishment, or reward if he got things right.
The games kept the emotions mixed, never dwelling on one for too long.
Her timing was just right. She was a master at this. I realized I had much to learn. Luckily, I am quick to catch on and that very night I had my first successful scene with Ian.
In a great scene, you must know when your play partner needs to shift aphrodisiac emotional states, to be intuitive enough and aware enough to be able to take them through a ride of these states.
A little bit of guilt here, later balanced with a little acceptance and freedom, a little bit of dread and anticipation there, only to be transformed into feeling safe and satisfied.
However, if you leave your partner in dread for too long, their arousal may fizzle to nothing. Give them too much fear, and suddenly the flame of desire is quick to burn out.
The kink scene is a heightened example of this kind of emotional toggling and a great way to exercise the muscle of playing with aphrodisiac emotions. However, this emotional roller coaster can be utilized with just as much effect for the Energetic, Sensual, Sexual and Shapeshifter Types.
Remember a couple of vital pieces to support your erotic expansion, no matter the form it takes:
- Safety first
- Create empowered and empowering boundaries with your play partner(s)
- Respect boundaries, always
- You don’t have to get anything perfect – It’s all information and there’s always a next time to improve your skills
- You are not broken or wrong, you are perfect as you are
- You are love and so is anyone you partner with
- Have fun exploring your aphrodisiac emotions!!!
Fill your life with pleasure,