One more night and you and your lover feel that slight “WTF just happened” feeling.
Neither of you were in love with the sensations, but, hey, most people are not even having sex at all, much less good sex. So, you still win, right?
Well, unsatisfying sex can feel no different than no sex at all.
Sometimes it can feel worse, because your needs are not being met. Unsatisfying sex can reinforce the sense of feeling unseen in your relationship?
Or worse, you may feel wrong or broken. “Why isn’t this feeling more connected and more satisfying?”
“Is this all there is?”
“What’s the point?”
Don’t give up, though…there is hope.
The cause of unsatisfying sex is not a lack of talent or knowing which way (or at what rate) to flick your tongue.
It’s not being able to pull off magnificent feats of bodily contortions or superhuman strength.
There are many reasons trying the “5 Guaranteed Ways to Give Her The Ultimate Orgasm” you picked up from the magazine at the check out stand don’t work.
And the first step in getting that sex life satisfaction you crave, may be taking the lead and committing to giving your lover exactly what they want, how they want it.
Creating ways for your lover to win with you in the bedroom is very important, especially if you’ve had a lackluster sex life or you’re stuck in a cycle of hurt, blame and shame.
We all want to feel like a sex life superhero, when it comes down to it!
So what’s one powerful key to great sex…
That ANYONE can pull off…that will leave your lovers (and YOU) finding your joy again, and that can result in a sense of empowerment and peace that you may have never experienced in your lifetime???
Is the skill of ‘active listening’.
Hear me out 😉
When you are listening and your partner is listening and you are both responding to what you hear, you’re able to perform in ways that bring great joy to the other.
And that? Can make you a hot AF lover.
When we are heard, we feel seen.
And when we feel seen, we are inclined to reciprocate that feeling back to others. This increases the desire of our lover to spend more time with us making love.
Don’t you love spending time with those who truly, deeply see you?
It’s no different in bed.
And it doesn’t matter if your Erotic Blueprint™ is Sensual and your lover’s Blueprint is Energetic.
Those with differing Erotic Blueprints can and would do well to learn as much as they can about their partner’s needs so they can make sure they are giving to them in ways that are meaningful and that get a rise out of them, emotionally and physically.
But you can’t stop there.
It’s time to talk about sex, baby. (What? Did you just hear that in Salt-N-Pepa’s voices? Awesome!)
When you sit to talk about what your partner and you want when it comes to your Erotic Blueprints, you can’t be a passive participant in the conversation.
If you want to really be experienced as one of the greatest lovers, you have to be actively engaged in learning what turns them on and turns them cold.
That means to truly “hear” the specifics of what they love. For instance; they love the touch of your fingertips as they gently float over the curves of their shoulders. You need to be actively listening to pick up the specifics of the instructions.
They love the touch of your fingertips… as they gently float over the curves of their shoulders. Not your Fingers or Hands massaging their shoulders.
Active listening means that your brain is nowhere else, other than on the words that are coming from your lover’s mouth and vice versa.
It means that you process their information, ask clarifying questions, to make sure you’ve got it.
In fact, test out what they’re sharing with you physically, so you know you’ve got it.
Let your lover be heard all the way through to the end of their thoughts.
When you feel that urgent need to say something when they’re speaking, because perhaps you’ve become defensive, “I already touch you that way” or you’re triggered by their turn ons, “You want me to spank you? I’d never hit you!”, quiet the mind and return to listening.
Let go of your responses while they are talking.
Even if it’s hard to hear what they’re sharing, they are dropping pearls of wisdom of how to love them.
To solidify that you are, in fact, actively listening, repeat back or paraphrase what they said, and ask, “did I hear that correctly?”
This can assure they’re feeling that you are fully vested in the conversation, and this will have them feel seen and heard.
This help you to internalizing their desires.
Now…this may sound very cerebral and cold.
It doesn’t have to be.
Active listening can happen at any time (and all the time), even when you’re in the throes of passion!
Of course, you wouldn’t be repeating their words back to them LOL, that may completely break the mood. You could, however, physically respond to their bodily and auditory cues.
That also means that you would be paying attention to them, not just thinking about your next move or how you feel about the whole situation.
But, we do suggest that you take some time to have these conversations over dinner, or someplace besides the bedroom. If triggers arise, it can be unhelpful to reinforce any repeating conflicts while in your sacred temple of love making.
Gather the information in a neutral space and take your discoveries into your next rendezvous.
This level of listening can help you can tap into a vein of intimacy that will bind you ever closer.
The subtleties and distinctions that the Erotic Blueprints provide can take your sexual connections to places you never new were possible.
If you and your lover are jumping to the TV as soon as you finish having sex or are picking up your phones, then it’s time for some active listening…
Play a question game after you’ve tussled in your garden of intimacy. At the end of a session ask of each other:
“What was awesome about that?”
“What worked for you?”
“What do you want more of?”
Discover with your body then reinforce with your brain how to ignite your lover’s turn on.
Active listening is a great practice to achieve this.
Until next time…fill your life with pleasure!
Ian & Jaiya
p.s. **If you’re not sure what your Erotic Blueprint is, take this quiz to find out. It will help your active listening skills tenfold if you and your partner BOTH take the quiz.
Learning how to feed, speak and expand into your lover’s Blueprint is the deepest access to becoming a sex life super hero. We hope you’ll join us for the Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course when it next becomes available.
Get a handle on what turns you both on and off.