The candles are dying out.
Your mind still hovers somewhere outside your body as the sweat beads and rolls down the curve of your back.
The tingling coursing through your body connects you to your vibrant, radiant, orgasmic aliveness.
It’s rare that you’ve been moved like that.
You think, “That should be a daily experience!”
Yes, it should!
And if you’ve never felt that rolling, otherworldly ecstasy after a magical romp with your lover(s), it’s time you did, yes?
Most people don’t have access to our full orgasmic potential.
It’s not our fault!
Whoever taught you about your body and all it’s pleasure possibilities?
Who do you know who is a master of the erotic arts, of giving and receiving pleasure?
We’re stumbling around in the dark and hoping to get lucky that we discover at least a few of our turn-ons. We’re praying that our lover(s) were one of the lucky ones who got some real pleasure education and they know what to do with our body.
It’s no wonder that more than 1 in 3 people are very dissatisfied with their sex lives and far more than 50% of us believe there is more pleasure to be had.
Let me tell you there is!!! A lot more!!!
Most of us don’t even get close to the turn-on and erotic fulfillment that’s available to us. We stop short of the adventure and play that will reveal our pathways to extraordinary sexual satisfaction.
We stop short for so many reasons.
- I’m too busy and it takes too long
- My lovers don’t “get” me
- I can only climax when stroked a particular way
- I don’t even know what’s erotically possible
But none of these excuses are likely true, and they definitely don’t serve us.
With the right approach to foreplay, these “reasons” can be proven null and void and you can discover pleasures you never knew were possible.
Important Notes: The content and advice in this article is assuming that there are no physical or medical limitations to one’s ability to experience orgasm.
If you do not, can not or don’t want to experience orgasm, I want to stress this point: You are not broken or wrong in any way in your sexuality.
There are many reasons why you may have challenges experiencing orgasm and, though you’d never know it from cultural stereotypes about what ‘sex’ is, orgasm is not the only point of intimate connection and it is not necessarily the most rewarding outcome of an intimate encounter. The playing field for pleasure and satisfying sex is vast. Drop the goal orientation and you may actually improve your chances of getting the orgasmic satisfaction that you seek.
I encourage you to also expand your definition of what an orgasm is.
Orgasm and ejaculation are separate experiences which are often conflated. One definition of orgasm is an involuntary contraction or convulsion usually associated with feelings of pleasure.
There are literally hundreds of different types of orgasms or orgasmic sensations available to you in your body or even outside of your body.
You may have been having orgasms all along but using a very limited definition and thinking something’s wrong with you.
Be compassionate, gentle and patient with yourself.
The pressure to have the ‘Big O’ or the disappointment you experience if your orgasms are elusive, can become an emotional habit that inhibits your ability to drop into your body and be aware of the full range of pleasure that you are, in fact, feeling!
Try expanding your definition of what orgasms are and thus expand your access to orgasms and orgasmic states.
Okay – let’s play…
The Erotic Blueprint™ and Foreplay
If you know your primary Erotic Blueprint or better yet, your Blueprint Stack, you can tap into the styles of foreplay that will use your unique map of turns ons to generate maximum arousal in your body.
What works for you may be completely different than what works for your partner or future lover.
Energetics might LOOOOVE it if you hover your fingertips just above their flesh as you barely trace the outline of their bodies.
Kinkies might LOVE it if you take charge (with their permissions, first) and command them to do your bidding (or flip this and you take on the submissive roll).
Sensuals might surrender to pleasure with a hot bath, candles and a sensual massage.
Sexuals just might get into the mood if you strip naked and get to the business of direct genital touch.
And Shapeshifters? Well, it depends on who they’re with, but they could likely get turned on with any or all of the above. “More, more, more,” is the cry of the true Shapeshifter.
Regardless of whether you are an Energetic, a Sensual, a Sexual, a Kinky or a Shapeshifter, there are things you can do during foreplay to help you reach orgasm with greater certainty.
Three Steps to Foreplay that Helps You Reach Orgasm
1. Set the stage!
We have been subjected to a fairytale about sex that has created frustration and harm to our relationships. This fantasy is the illusion that, if we are truly in love with each other, we should be turned on and desirous of sex with each other all the time. Sex should be a spontaneous and passionate affair that happens often.
The research goes to show that most of us are not walking through life turned on, connected to sexual desire and ready to go at the drop of a hat (teenagers and young twenty somethings may be a different story, due to ragging hormones creating some level of obsession with sex).
Stop relying on spontaneity, and take charge of your pleasure…
Prepare your mind and body for what you’re about to do. This really applies to everything in our lives. When we transition from one activity to another, we tend to just jump into the next thing without any toggles or transitions.
This leap can create confusion in the body, because it’s not prepared. So when you’re preparing for one of the hottest, steamiest nights of passion you’ve had in a long time, make space for it on your calendar, transition your thinking from the daily activities to this sacred time to connect. This transition allows your body to follow you into intimacy, to open and surrender.
Drop into the knowledge that this is your time to indulge in physical touch and emotional connection, far removed from work and outside responsibilities.
Some toggles to try: Five minutes of breathwork meditation or simple slow and deep breathing, smudging, or journaling, preparing your space so it’s inviting and luscious; anything that YOU need to transition can help you connect to your body and become available for turn on.
(Sexuals may be wondering what all this transition business is about, because it is often the act of sex that is your toggle. You have sex in order to relax, right? Play with what gets you there – as your partner may need very different toggles to become available to penetration or oral sex.. This can be a challenge for Sexuals, but your partner often needs you to meet their needs before they can meet yours)
2. Practice absolute “Presence”:
Now that you’ve transitioned your mind and body into the intimacy zone…
It’s time to “Be Here Now!”
Presence is actually the #1 tool we coach people to practice to find connection and fulfillment in their sex lives – actually in every area of life.
For many of us presence is the hardest hill to climb. The toggles and setting the stage from step 1 go a long way to making us available to be present.
But for many of us the intimacy, the surrender and vulnerability of erotic intimacy triggers shame, trauma and fear.
Presence is a practice!
To access pleasure, to feel pleasure, to surrender to orgiastic, ecstatic states of pure abandon, feeling your feelings fully is often the gateway.
If you struggle with being present to your sensations, emotions, connections with your lover, be very compassionate and gentle with yourself as you practice presence.
Share with your partner your challenge and ask them to turn up their awareness and presence, so they can help you pause when you disconnect. So they honor your “wait”, “pause” and “stop”, even when you don’t say those words out loud.
This act of deep listening is divine intimacy in action. It will serve you inside and outside the bedroom!
Most sex techniques and tools won’t get you to otherworldly orgasmic states without being deeply present. You may get to climax, ejaculation and experience orgasms without presence, but the depth and soul-shattering orgasm usually requires this presence.
For the Sexual and Kinky Types™, sometimes it is the intensity of your sexual play that brings you to presence.
For Sensuals your access may also be through overwhelming the senses so you surrender to pleasure. For most Energetic Types™, if deep presence is not there from the beginning, you’re likely to shut down and it’s game over.
Be in this moment now.
When your lover touches your shoulder, let that be where you focus and feel fully the touch and what it does to the rest of your body.
When your lover caresses your body, follow their stroke and let that be where your mind and energy flow.
When your lover gently teases you open, breathe in and surrender to your vulnerability.
Vow to practice presence and deepen your awareness of when you disappear from the now. Gently remind yourself to come back to now. Call out to your lover to pause and connect or let you drop in, so you don’t reinforce habits of dissociation.
Do this practice in solo play too! It’s important to know your body’s signals and in self-pleasure, you can train yourself to notice when you’re present and when you’re going through the motions.
This empowers you to use your voice when you’re with a partner.
Turn your body, heart, and soul over to the sensations that are washing over you with every movement.
3. Expand your Erotic Skills and play without judgment
The goal orientation of needing to achieve orgasms may be a disservice to your pleasure!
If you’re not experiencing the pleasure you crave, stop doing the same things and expecting to get different results.
It’s time to become a student of pleasure, arousal, connection and what your unique body needs to open to full-bodied turn on.
It’s all information! So stop judging the experience and notice what works and what doesn’t.
Let’s give ourselves and our lovers a break.
I can guarantee that less than 1 in 100 of us got any sex education that dealt with pleasure. If we did get it, it was limited and in many cases misinformed or flat out wrong.
If we did get a pleasure education, it may not have addressed how your unique Erotic Blueprint Type™ gets turned on (Energetics have almost no roll models and Kinky sex is often stereotyped, enhancing shame, confusion and harm).
So give everyone a break and come back to beginner’s mind.
Learn to use your voice to declare when something feels AHHHMazing!
When something is “Meh!” notice it, and perhaps put that on the shelf, and…
Definitely learn to use your voice when something is a “Hell No!”
You don’t need to be cruel, critical or judgemental of your lover when they’ve hit a “hell no” in your body. Just reveal it, make sure they stop and that you both take this learning in as new and empowering information!
You also can let go of judging yourself if something doesn’t work or your lovemaking sessions aren’t immediately bearing satisfying results.
Keep gathering information and building on each little discovery of what works and what doesn’t. You expand your range and build an arsenal of pleasure practices and tools.
A note about differing Blueprints and honoring your lover for who they are:
Your “Hell No!” may be someone else’s “Hell Yes!”
So, don’t yuck your lover’s yum!
You’re learning to be your own best lover and you’re expanding to feed and fulfill your lover’s desires, exactly as they want it.
The range of erotic play that is available to you is endless!
Start to get quality education and expand your erotic tool kit.
Again, the same set of tools you’ve been using ain’t getting you the experiences you crave if they haven’t done so already.
There are lots of places to go and great teachers to study with to get tools to expand your tool kit.
Make sure your sources for information are trusted and trustworthy. You don’t want to reinforce bad habits or create additional traumas or harms when you’re working to open yourself up to new levels of delicious intimacy.
This is our bias, but Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course and our Erotic Freedom Club (comes along with the course) are filled with empowering trainings that show you how every Blueprint Type is turned on and satisfied.
In this immersive course, we give you practices to communicate your needs and desires, video trainings where you’ll see every Blueprint being fed in partnered play and solo self-pleasure. And we help you transform the shadows of your sexulity that may be blocking you from your pleasure.
What’s important is not that you study with us, it is important that you expand your erotic vocabulary and you start using your voice to own your turns ons and ask for your needs to be fulfilled.
It’s your sex life, and you’re the one who’s got to claim your pleasure!
With these steps, foreplay will no longer be foreplay.
Foreplay will be the act of divine, immersive, body quaking intimacy.
The journey and your deep presence to every nuance will awaken you to the many little orgasms along the way.
The act of intimacy itself becomes orgasmic.
The grand finale of the soul-shattering orgasms is amazing, but it’s only one piece of the vast ocean of living an orgasmic life.
Give yourself this permission. The permission to let your body writhe and shake from the outermost layers of your flesh to the deep core of your erotic body – with presence and play!
Welcome to living the orgasmic life that you crave!
Fill your heart with love and your life with pleasure,
Ian and Team Pleasure
This course gives you the language and tools to experience and give deep Erotic Fulfillment. Feed your deepest desires, confidently meet the needs of any lover no matter their Blueprint Type, heal the shadows that put the breaks on your pleasure and expand into pleasures you never knew existed!
When you enroll in this course we give you lifetime access to Erotic Freedom Club where you get monthly group coaching calls with world renowned sexuality experts like Jaiya, Ian, Genevieve and our other Blueprint Coaches.
Yes, monthly sex and relationship advice for as long as Erotic Freedom Club exists. THIS BONUS ALONE IS PRICELESS!