How can you assure that this year will be your sexiest year ever?
(Though: this article is written with couples in mind, the main advice applies just the same to the single folk – if you want a life filled with sexy satisfaction, that is.)
We are sold a myth that passion will sustain our intimate relationships.
If we love someone that means we’ll always be hot for them.
I’ve got some news: That’s simply not the case.
When you first meet and feel those warm fuzzies all over, you’re in the limerence phase, the early hormonal stage of attraction. This powerful hormonal soup that floods our systems in the beginning of a relationship is why we literally lose our minds over a new lover.
The early morning texts. The amazing morning (or afternoon, or evening, or anytime) sex.
The steaming coffee in bed.
The goofy gaga eyes.
The racing heart.
This obsession is fun, but it’s very unreliable.
It fuels your turn on, until it doesn’t!
This hormonally hopped up limerence stage typically lasts 12 to 24 months.
One theory about this time frame is that this amount of time is just long enough to get pregnant and to bring the baby to term. Ah biology!!
This intense attraction is part of a natural cycle, but it is also natural that it will fade.
Natural or not, it can get confusing and depressing when that “can’t keep your hands off each other” lustiness fades away.
It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other any more. It simply means you’re in a new stage of relationship.
Unless you like the idea of becoming best friends and sexless roommates, this new stage is likely going to require you put some effort into your intimacy to keep attraction alive and your sex life passionate.
Prioritizing and Scheduling Your Pleasure
I’ve just slayed the sacred cow. Oh no!
“Schedule sex? That’s so unromantic! If we truly love each other, sex should be spontaneous!” you say.
We’ve worked with thousands of couples in our practice. Yes, there are an exceptional few who maintain a natural lust for their life partner over the long haul.
The rest of us mortals who hold out for passion to spontaneously arise, well, we are usually the ones complaining about the lack of frequency and disappointing quality of our sex lives.
Scheduling Sex is One of the Most Important Commitments That Jaiya and I Ever Made
After the birth of our son, our relationship went into a 3 year free fall.
Our sex life dried up and the usual sex techniques and hope for spontaneous desire to save us didn’t change anything.
Once we put time for our sex life in the calendar, things improved dramatically.
We call it “Intimacy Time” and it doesn’t always involve intercourse. It is a commitment to spend time focused on intimate connection.
This frame takes the performance pressure off, but sets the stage for us to flow into incredible sessions of erotic play and love making. Even if we’re “not in the mood”, which we usually aren’t, we get in the mood.
Prioritizing and scheduling intimacy with your lover is an empowering approach to keeping passion alive.
While it may not sound sexy, would you rather have a successful sex life that you design, or one that falls into sexless default?
Scheduling your pleasure also makes a statement that your love life is just as important as all those meetings you need to attend, or the plan you make with friends to hang out or go to a dinner party.
It’s no longer something you can put off until you have a minute (which, honestly, never seems to show up).
Prioritizing pleasure is a permission slip to focus on you (and your lover), a reminder that your pleasure and you are just as important as the crazy chaos of daily life.
A Few Strategies to Help You Keep It Hot
- Schedule your pleasure: (whether you’re single or in a partnership)
- Get out your calendar right now and set some dates and times.
- Get curious about what you desire: It’s that curiosity that ignited that limerence in the beginning with you and your lover. It’s the same curiosity that can keep that fire burning.
- Research your interests: Another myth about sex is that it’s natural and we should be able to figure it out on our own. Yes, sex is natural, but making love is an art.
- Study what turns you on, so you can get really good at it.
- Get a sex life mentor or coach: Find an expert who can help you master the skills of erotic fulfillment.
- Find a community of like minded explorers: The world out there is not so sex friendly. Support your expansion into pleasure and surround yourself with people who accept and encourage you to explore and expand.
Want an amazing sex life?
Live your sex life by design and NOT by default!
Until next time…
Fill your heart with love and your life with pleasure,
Ian
