It’s date night. You and your lover are snuggled up, pressed skin to skin.
Relaxation fills your body as you finally claim some much needed time to connect.
Then they whisper their deepest fantasy into your ear.
You feel their turn on, their craving to be erotically fed and fulfilled in this very specific way.
You wish you could open to it, yet it takes every bit of your focus to keep your skin from hardening to their touch, and your heart from closing in a shell of self protection.
They want something so badly and you DON’T!
Perhaps you’ve given in and tried to play their way before.
You can feel the build up of resentment in your body for having previously dropped your boundaries and appeased your lover’s desires.
Will you ever solve this mismatch gap?
Are you “sexually incompatible” and your relationship doomed?
Sexual Incompatibility is NOT an unsolvable problem.
We’re not always going to want the same things our partners want and vice versa.
Giving in is not a sustainable solution.
When one partner gives in and does the things the other wants, resentments may build.
While your intention may be positive, “It’s something they want… I’ll just do it. I love them and I want them to be happy. I don’t want to rock the boat.” This is actually a breach of self-trust and a dropping of personal boundaries in order to people please.
And is your lover really getting what they desire when you simply give in to them?
They want you to want it too. They want it to turn you on too. They want to feel your heart blown open and surrendered to them in this devine intimate connection.
They want to be seen, accepted and loved for their desires.
As Kelly Bryson, a mentor of ours says, “Compromise is resentment 50/50.”
Don’t compromise. Do the hard work of finding solutions that serve and fulfill you both.
Beyond Compromise – Solving Sexual Incompatibility
Early in our relationship, Jaiya and I almost ended things.
We couldn’t figure it out.
After 3 years of a largely sexless relationship due to “sexual incompatibility”, neither Jaiya’s mastery of sex techniques nor repeated conversations and arguments rehashing the same dissatisfactions helped to get us out of this downward spiral.
What Turned It Around for Us?
I’m not going to give you a silver bullet to solve this complex challenge.
The first thing you and your lover both need…
A Willingness to Dive Into True Intimacy and Acceptance
Unwinding the many layers that can complicate intimate connection takes presence and perseverance.
Vulnerability, patience, compassion and deep inquiry are your allies.
Acceptance of who you are and your deepest desires, unconditional love from you for you, is at the root of being able to truly love another.
Acceptance, along with unconditional love, of who your partner truly is and what they desire is the doorway to an intimacy that bears juicy fruit, but may be confronting and confusing along the path.
Being seen, accepted and loved for who we are is a core craving for most of us.
Can you be the kind of lover who is willing to see your partner for who they truly are, without judgment or shame?
Can you be the kind of lover who is willing to reveal who you truly are?
The deepest intimacy only opens if you are willing to see and be seen, accept and be accepted.
We’re not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t have boundaries around your or another person’s desires.
Having healthy boundaries can be a deep expression of unconditional love.
Having and keeping boundaries can build the trust needed for true intimacy.
Our fantasies are not necessarily under our control.
Those desires that go beyond the bounds of consent should not be lived out but being able to be with these taboo desires being expressed can alleviate the shadow energy, the hiding that has some people act out in improper ways.
Speaking a desire and having it witnessed can free up creativity to see what’s at the root of that desire and to find healthy ways to express what’s really at the root of that turn on.
Do no harm! There is no need to ever hurt anyone to find fulfillment in our erotic expression.
Society has not been our friend in allowing us to get past the shame associated with our sexuality. Our intimate relationships can be the salve to these cultural traumas. They can be our safer space to reveal what we’ve hidden away in shame.
A Willingness to Meet Our Lover In Their Desires, Without Compromise
Discovering each other’s desires is the first step.
Discovering what’s at the root of each other’s desires opens your world to creative solutions to meet those cravings.
There is almost always a creative way to meet our lover in their desire.
The first fantasy expressed is just one way to fulfill a desire.
You may want to satisfy your sweet tooth with a bite of your favorite chocolate bar. But think how many forms of chocolate, how many styles of desert there are that could fulfill that same craving.
It’s the same with sex.
Finding out the core of the desire, your lover’s turn on at the root of their fantasy, then opening your creativity to research, explore and experiment can give you a multitude of possibilities to meet any need.
Perhaps the desire is to be bound in a web of shibari rope ties and be taken by multiple lovers all at once.
A solution to this desire could be some simple bondage with soft cuffs, a blind fold, audio recordings of voices expressing what they are going to do with/to you and your one lover playing with a number of toys to create a sense that you are being taken by multiple lovers.
What the imagination can conceive the mind can believe is truly happening.
Discovering What’s at the Core of Your Desires, so You Can Find Creative Solutions to Meet Your and Your Lover’s Needs
Try this exercise. It’s called a Dyad.
First give each other an honoring: a bow, a hug, your full presence.
Then say (and mean it), “Your desires are safe with me.”
Then ask this simple question back and forth for 20 to 40 minutes…
“Tell me something you desire in our sex life?”
This is a formal dialogue, not a conversation.
There are 4 responses you can give to your partner’s answers.
“Thank you.” This means you understand. It does not mean that you agree or disagree with what they shared.
“Say it again.” If you didn’t catch what they said, you were distracted or missed something that they shared, this is your response.
“Clarify that.” If you didn’t understand what they said, this is your response.
“Summarize that.” If your partner gives a long answer that meanders into several topics, you want them to dial in their response so it is simple and understood by you.
Do not get into a discussion about what is being shared. You can do that after the exercise is complete.
In this Dialogue you are mining each other’s desires and making space to be heard without judgment, argument or conversation. You are seeking to simply hear each other, see each other and understand each other.
The reason to do this for at least 20 minutes or more, is that deeper answers come forth the longer you keep the dialogue going.
End the Dyad by again stating, “Your desires are safe with me.” Then close by giving each other an honoring.
You will discover many truths about yourself and your lover by engaging in this simple exercise.
You can change the question to explore any number of topics that can deepen your intimacy.
You must both be willing to explore and expand.
Willingness is key to solving your challenges.
If there is resistance by one lover in the equation, getting to the root of the resistance is the first step.
Your Dyad could be, “Tell me a reason you are resistant to exploring our sexuality.”
Fear of failure, hard work, being judged or shamed could be blocking the energy needed to solve the challenges that are undermining the success of your relationship.
There are many practices and tools that Jaiya and I used to revive our passion and create a juicy and rewarding sex life…
The Dyad is a great tool for discovery and deepening connection.
I trust the Dyad process will create positive movement in understanding and being understood by your lover.
But this is just a starting point.
Jaiya and I used many other tools to bring our relationship back from the dead:
- Understanding our own and each other’s primary Erotic Blueprints™, so we could speak each other’s erotic language of fulfillment
- Expanding into each other’s primary Erotic Blueprints so we could find turn on in each other’s forms of turn on
- Sexy Sex Labs
- Sex Life Challenges
- Adventure Dating
- Getting skilled mentors and guides
- Freeing up our erotic expression by exploring Erotic Personas (aspects of our own sexuality we had hidden away due to shame, trauma and fear)
- Getting our hormonal health, emotional life and bio-energetics under control
This blog post can’t give you the silver bullet.
But if you want to dive in deeper and discover all the tools that turned things around for us, I invite you to enroll in Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course.
There’s no need to keep spinning your wheels, trying to figure everything out on your own.
In fact, when you join the Blueprint Breakthrough Course, you get lifetime membership to Erotic Freedom Club. This is our online membership community where, along with tons of trainings and practices, you also get 2 group coaching calls every month with world class sexuality experts.
Yes, that’s lifetime access to your own sex coaches.
We’d love to welcome you to the world of erotic exploration and expansion in our conscientious sexuality community.
Have a great time exploring,
Ian, Jaiya and The Team Pleasure