I think that people often make the mistake of thinking that their sexuality is something that is static and unchanging or should be.
We put pressure on ourselves to always have high libidos and endless passion.
Just like everything else in life, we go through sexual changes.
For vulva bodied humans these changes may be caused by pregnancy and childbirth or aging.
For penis bodied humans age and health also play a major role in their sexuality.
And there are many other factors affecting your eroticism..
There are some stereotypes about human sexuality that do harm to our sense of wholeness. Misconceptions that…
- Vulva bodied people should always be juicy and orgasmic.
- Penis bodied humans should always be hard and horny.
Thinking in this way can leave us feeling alone, depressed and abnormal.
The truth is that we all experience changes and that there is nothing wrong with these evolutions, because things always change and shift. It’s normal!
You are not broken or wrong for being exactly where you’re at.
In my private practice and in serving thousands of clients I have uncovered The 5 main stages of sexuality.
I created these stages as a way to help people understand where they are on the spectrum, to give context to something that may feel mysterious and even disorienting and disempowering. That is unless you have this empowering information framework to help you understand YOU.
There is so much bad and incorrect information being given out by the school system and Doctors and propagated by the media about sex.
It’s hard not to feel like something is wrong with you if you aren’t living up to what’s portrayed in pop culture or if you’re told by a Doctor something like, “Your pain during sex is normal. You’ll just have to learn to live with it. Here’s some numbing cream that should help.”
Let’s look at your sexuality as full-spectrum sexuality.
You might experience all five of the Stages of Sexuality I’m discussing here over the course of a month, a year, a decade or even all in one day.
One stage is not better than the other, but if you’re in a stage that doesn’t suit you or you’re feeling stuck, you can use certain tools to help you get to where you want to be.
Also, keep in mind that you can be in more than one stage at a time.
Right now I’m toggling between Adventurous, Transformational and Resting Stages.
Personally I’ve been in every stage.
So, wherever you are right now, I can assure you that I’ve probably been wherever you are and I’ve worked with thousands of clients who’ve been there too.
These stages give you an opportunity to embrace or even celebrate where you are and move towards practicing Full-Spectrum Sex.
Here’s a little quiz to find out your sex stage:
When it comes to sexual knowledge you feel…
- a) It’s like a foreign language you learned, but you hardly speak it, or have forgotten how
- b) That you need information to help you to move past your blocks
- c) Like you want to know more, especially techniques to help you improve
- d) Excited to explore “out of the box” concepts, especially when it comes to uncharted territory
- e) Excited about the idea that you can learn how to use your sexuality for personal growth and development
What is the quality of your current sex life?
- a) What Sex Life?
- b) In need of healing obstacles
- c) Good, but I Know there’s more
- d) Great! I’m Having Fun Exploring
- e) Spiritually Enlightening – Ready to Go Higher!
Pick One Word to Describe Your Current Sexual Experiences:
2e) Deeply Intimate
What is your #1 Sexual Goal?
1a) To reconnect with my partner
2a) To have a greater quantity of sex
1b) To heal a past wounds
2b) To overcome a sexual issue
1c) To learn how to make sex better
2c) To improve my sexual skills
1d) To explore what’s erotically possible
2d) To learn something kinky
1e) To Experience the “what’s more” to sex – find pathways to transcendance through sex
2e) To learn how to use sex as a tool for personal development or a connection to something greater than myself
What best describes your Comfort Level with Sexuality?
1a) I’m comfortable but my partner is not
2a) I’m not comfortable at all
1b) I’m trying to overcome shame and guilt around sex
2b) Sex is physically painful for me
1c) I love asking questions about sex
2c) I read books and watch videos to learn more about sex
1d) I can talk openly about sex with my friends and have no problem purchasing adult toys in a shop
2d) I am comfortable with taboo topics concerning sexuality
1e) I am comfortable with sex as long as it is put in a sacred or spiritual context
2e) I am comfortable with eastern ideas about sexual practices
This little quiz is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sexual detective work you can do that can empower you to have a deeply satisfying sex life.
Check below to see how your answers reveal your Stage of Sexuality.
If your answers were…
(Mostly a’s) The Resting Stage: If you are in this stage, you may be in a sexless relationship, taking a break from sex by choice, are still a virgin or you are craving sexual satisfaction but have cut off all sexual activity.
You may be craving a sexual connection that either you once had or have never experienced.
You find yourself wondering what happened to your sexuality. You are most likely seeking a greater sense of connection, intimacy, and passion.
You can also choose to be in a resting stage. Maybe you just had a breakup and feel you want to take some time in between relationships before getting involved again sexually. Or perhaps you want to take a break from sexual activity, which could make sex hotter when you’re ready to indulge.
(Mostly b’s) The Healing Stage: If you have experienced a physical injury, emotional or psychological trauma, the Healing Stage may be your current need.
It’s time to take a step back and become aware of the injury, understand how the trauma is affecting your sexual health and vitality and your ability to connect with yourself and others.
It’s time to seek the help you need.
You may be working to overcome sexual shame, guilt or fear that is holding you back from truly enjoying your sensuality and physical pleasure.
If it is a physical injury or trauma, get appropriate and knowledgeable help to heal. Scar tissue, hormonal imbalances, recovery from surgery all have pathways to recovery.
Or you may be dealing with a physical issue such as painful intercourse, trauma after surgery, erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.
If the trauma is emotional or psychological, this can be a time to seek out a sex-positive therapist familiar with trauma, find a healthy sex-positive community for support and/or find a very skilled sexuality coach.
The Healing Stage often needs time and lots of compassion for yourself and others.
(Mostly c’s) The Curious Stage: If you’re in this stage, you’re out to learn as much as you can about the things that interest you.
You may be asking lots of questions, reading books, attending workshops or simply looking at the wide world of eroticism with newly opened and receptive eyes.
You want to learn how to become a better lover through techniques that will enhance your skills as both a giver and receiver of pleasure. You are interested in learn about things like sexual anatomy, erotic massage, oral lovemaking, intimacy & connection, and creating sexploration times to indulge in your curiosity.
This is a perfect time to be looking into Erotic Blueprints™ and discovering everything there is to know about each of the Types.
This is the information gathering stage and is often what comes right before…
(Mostly d’s) The Adventurous Stage: When your Adventurous, you’re out there doing it. You’re claiming what you desire and taking steps to get it.
Whatever you’ve been curious about, now your diving in.
You’re interested in learning more about topics such as bondage, role play, anal sex and other “taboo” topics.
If you wanted to try different positions with your lover, you’ve been curious about sex parties, kinky sex or the turn-ons of one of the other Erotic Blueprint™ Types, this stage is all about taking action.
And last but not least there is…
(Mostly e’s) The Transformational Stage: When you’re in Transformational, you’re seeking “what’s more” to sex.
No matter the label, you want to move beyond the physical and into the realm of all that is erotically possible.
You may be desiring ecstatic, transformational and spiritual experiences, so sex is about transcendence, meaningful intimacy and connecting to the divine.
You may be interested in using sexuality as a conscious tool for personal growth and development. You find Eastern philosophies and ideas fascinating and are drawn to learning more about Tantric, Taoist, and Shamanic sexual practices.
If you are in this stage, great opportunities for you would be studying the sacred sexual arts like Tantra or Taoist sexuality.
The Stages of Sexuality are not hierarchical!
Each of these stages has powerful rewards and benefits.
There is no stage that is better than any other.
Your work here is, to be frank, about honoring what stage you’re in right now and knowing what stage you’d like to be in. Often they are not the same.
Your aspiration to be in another stage than the one you’re in, can be a gentle motivation to lean fully into where you are right now, allow yourself the time to be there before moving on.
If you pretend you’re in a stage you’re not in, you may reinforce as sense of “something’s wrong with me.”
Be compassionate with yourself, if you desire to be in a different stage than the one you’re in currently.
Honor where you are, because it’s what you need.
Your stage can change because of the partner you are with, it can change due to shifts in age or hormones.
There are endless factors that can affect what stage you’re in.
Know that you could be in every single stage in the course of a single day or a single sexual interlude.
Ride the waves and honor yourself and your partner, as their stage may not match yours.
Patience, compassion and curiosity are some of your most powerful friends when comes to navigating a healthy eroticism.
Knowing your stage and weaving this information with knowledge of your Blueprint Type can give you incredible access to sexual fulfillment, because you know what you need, when you need it?
As part of Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course, we dive deep into the 5 Stages of Sexuality, giving you tools and practices to understand your unique eroticism, how to honor yourself and articulate your needs and desires.
Stumbling around in the dark, doing the same things you’ve always done won’t create the deeply connected and passionate sex life you crave.
Come play with us and find out more here.
What Stage of Sexuality are you experiencing right now?
What Stage of Sexuality do you want to be experiencing right now?
Honor what you need and gently explore and expand into where you want to be.
Until next time …
Fill your life with pleasure,
p.s. The “Stages of Sexuality” are just one dimension of your Core Erotic Blueprint.
Your Blueprint also includes your Blueprint Type, where you are in relationship to your “4 Obstacles or Pathways to Sexual Health and Pleasure” and a host of subtle distinctions that can empower you to have a deeply satisfying intimate life.
You get a truly orgasmic bonus for joining this course:
Lifetime Membership to Erotic Freedom Club – our online membership where you get 2 monthly group coaching calls with our Blueprint Master Trainers.
We are there to support you every step of the way!