Are you suffering from challenges of getting or maintaining an erection?

Is this hurting your confidence and sexual satisfaction?

I get letters similar to this one from P. all the time. His situation has multiple layers to it, so I thought it would be a great letter to respond to to cover many bases.

Dear Jaiya,

I am battling ED (Erectile Dysfunction) tooth and nail. I am on Zoloft, Klonopin, and Wellbutrin. I’m not sure any have worked.

Vast majority of time, I avoid sex if possible. I know these drugs have that effect.

Also, my wife is “morbidly obese”, and that doesn’t help either, but I love her with all my heart, and want to satisfy her needs….and mine!

How do I get and maintain a massive erection?

Thanks P

Dear P,

It sounds like you have a strong desire to overcome your Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and that is a large part of your personal battle.

If you’re willing to work on some things, embrace some things, and be honest with yourself, you may find yourself reaching your goal.

My questions to you would start with your health & lifestyle.

What is your diet like? Do you exercise? Are you in good health? How are your testosterone levels? Are you getting enough micronutrients? When did this start to be an issue for you?

Your overall health and sexual health are connected. We want to look at four major areas of health and wellness and do some Erotic Detective work to help you get to the bottom of things:


The drugs you are currently taking have been reported to lower drive and sexual satisfaction. You may want to talk to your doctor about finding something more natural without these effects. I highly recommend looking at the work of Dr. Daniel Amen and getting a brain scan to see what would work best for your brain.

Other paths to pleasure:

I want to address that it’s not necessary for you to have a “massive erection” in order for you to please your wife or yourself sexually. There are plenty of really amazing things you can do sexually that don’t require an erection at all.

Try giving her some amazing oral pleasure. Or have you ever considered using a strap on? That can be really fun and something different to try.

I say this because the number one issue I see with men who have ED is that they are so stressed out that they aren’t enjoying sex, nor can they allow their bodies to relax enough for true arousal to happen.

This is an opportunity for you to start expanding into new erotic territory. Learn your wife’s Erotic Blueprint™ and your own and start to expand and develop into a Shapeshifter. You’ll find endless opportunities for pleasure with no erection required or you’ll find that one of the Blueprints (besides Sexual) gives you access to the best erections you’ve ever had.

Now, let’s talk about your attraction for your wife.

You say that she is obese and from the feel of your letter I’m hallucinating that you are not attracted to her.

Love and sexual attraction are sometimes two very separate things. If you are not turned on by your wife visually, you have to find out the little things that do turn you on.

Does she smell amazing, or could she? Is her intelligence something that ignites you? What about her does turn you on?

Don’t think with your eyes, think with your other senses.

The next time you are making love, see if you can close your eyes and tune into the sensuality. Feel what feels yummy and delicious, welcoming and satisfying in touching her body.

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Take the pressure off yourself about having to have an erection.

Your arousal is supposed to ebb and flow, allow it to ebb and flow, without an agenda.

There is also nothing wrong with fantasy. Most men are turned on visually. You can visualize in your head at any time. Think of a scene that really turns you on and use it, while at the same time staying present with your wife.

This is an art and takes some practice, but you can do it.

And I also encourage you to talk to your wife about this. If you really want to please her, ask her what she loves best when it comes to her sexuality.

If she says she wants your hard penis, don’t let that be about pressure, let it be about how much she loves your penis, and if it doesn’t get hard, use a dildo or strap one on. You won’t have to worry about it not being hard.

What’s your Core Erotic Distraction?

A mentor of mine, Joseph Kramer talks about people’s Core Erotic Distraction.

There are so many things pulling at our hearts and minds these days. So many pressures and our minds are becoming conditioned to jump quickly to the next shiny object, or the next urgent problems to solve.

Take note of when your attention moves from being present to being distracted. What was the input that took you out of your body and into your head?

You may notice that you are constantly being distracted by the same things over and over again. Train your mind to notice the distraction and come back to sensation in your body, and the connection of dropping in to your lover’s body.

Self-Pleasure and Porn.

You don’t mention anything related to using porn for your own sexual satisfaction, but using your self-pleasure (masturbation) practices to retrain your body can be a powerful approach to increasing arousal in your body and getting and maintaining erections.

Sometimes porn can have a negative effect on getting erections with a “real” person as it can wire the brain for certain pathways for pleasure. Are you always using the same themes and same strokes? Get conscious to how you are self-pleasuring and use it to retrain your body for new types of pleasure.

Expand how you play with yourself and don’t focus on getting an erection. In fact, you may even tell yourself you are not allowed to get an erection (try this with your wife as well).

Find pleasure in all the areas of your body, not just the genitals. Expand into that pleasure and begin to map your body to discover what feels really good: relaxing, stimulating, arousing and highly erotically charged.

Use your expanding pleasure vocabulary to add tools to your tool box for mutual play with your wife!!

Explore without agenda.

Overall, my biggest advice to you is to start enjoying sex again.

If you don’t enjoy it, then your penis isn’t going to respond.

Find your enjoyment and build your desire.

To your Erotic Freedom,


“Our compatibility has gone through the roof…how to be pleased. How to ask to be sexually pleased. How to please you (your partner) sexually. How to experience not only the orgasms we were already having and the ecstatic pleasure that we were already living, but now to have it magnify and multiply and go to whole new levels. It feels like we’re starting our relationship again!“

Satyen and Suzanne Raja

Embrace what has been buried and shamed in your body for thousands of years.

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