Trigger Warning: Abuse, Childhood Trauma
2018 has been a great story of a year!! If it were a novel or movie it would have been an epic one filled with all kinds of twists, turns and miracles.
I have been deeply private and vulnerable about this part of my journey I’m about to share with you. I’m choosing to share it now because I know struggle to triumph stories inspire and it is healing for me to be seen since being seen helps me integrate what I’ve learned.
So here’s my 2018 in a cracked nutshell:
– I faced some of my greatest fears and dedicated myself to healing Trauma and learning Truth. These fears were both external fears (multiple stalking situations, persecution, relationship turmoil, betrayal) and internal fears (un-treatable trauma, who am I anymore? what’s the point of living?, etc.).
– Ian and I consciously broke every relationship agreement we had and completely started over. We had so many big downs, I didn’t think we were going to make it, which was so scary. But a miracle happened – the Truth was revealed! It was a very big miracle and we are more in love than ever, more solid than ever, healthier than ever (and we have hot sex too)!
– I had a lot of Super HOT sex this year!! New experiences I’d never had!! Lots of expansion, lots of beautiful self-pleasure experiences and a lot of Sexual Healing as my personal Erotic Blueprints™ shifted from primarily Sexual / Energetic to Sensual / Energetic.
I also had the opportunity to make boundaries, speak my voice and process Trauma in our culture.
– 2018 showed me that anything is possible. I was told I had a tumor in my face and would need to get an operation to remove it. However, I was able to shrink it in just 6 weeks with no need for the surgery!!
– This was the year I reclaimed Delight! Through the exploration of an Empowered Erotic Persona™ named Puddles – who I discovered inside of me – I was able to bring absolute joy back into my body. (If you’re curious about what an Empowered Erotic Persona is, this is a process I’ve developed to help uncovered buried or forgotten aspects of our erotic selves allowing them to be brought out to play and integrated. Erotic Personas allow us to fully express who we are without shame.)
– 2018 was also my dark night of the soul. I had deeply buried trauma surface, I was told I had an untreatable form of PTSD called C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder). I also was told I had damage to my brain (due to trauma) and wasn’t getting blood flow to certain areas. I was living in a 24/7 trigger, not even aware of it most of the time…
– And 2018 was a miracle of healing! 4 months ago I started an experimental therapy that saved my life. My first session ended almost all of my C-PTSD symptoms. No more debilitating nightmares, no more incontinence, no more dietary issues, no more anxiety, no more avoidant attachment, no more sleeplessness, no more panic triggers, it was like everything I struggled with simply fell away and the things that were true became so clear. The biggest truth was the realization that I wasn’t the Monster… which children of developmental trauma often believe, I was pure innocent light. I realized too that I didn’t cause the conflict in my parents’ relationship nor was it my responsibility to stop the conflict… I was a child who needed love and care and that love and care were okay to receive. (I know some of you reading this may have similar challenges. I’m not quite ready to reveal what this therapy was. Given time, and with more availability of this kind of treatement, I may begin to talk about it more openly. I’m sorry I can’t say more currently).
– 2018 was the year I really woke up. OMG, this was the most profound experience, and very vulnerable for me to speak about. I can’t really put it into words, nor would it mean much to you as it is not something I can tell you about with words. Experiencing it yourself is much more powerful and words cannot express it accurately.
This was the True Miracle. It happened on Oct. 11th. I call it “Remembrance Day”. On this day I remembered who I was, who we all are, and I woke up out of the Game of consciousness I was playing. Or I guess I could say I popped out of the Matrix.
That changed my life on such a profound level and cleared out residual Trauma on a Soul level. By no means am I done yet with this Awakening journey. I’ve learned that Waking up is just the first step. Now I’m living in a new reality altogether.
I will never forget this day Oct 11, 2018, as it was the True beginning of my life.
2018 was hard, but I was blessed with a grace that I will be forever grateful for. Like a blink of an eye, I was liberated from the Trauma.
The journey of life unfolds… it changes, it twists, it turns… we all have a great story of our life and even the stuff that we judge as “Bad” and want to push away, all of it contributes to our growth, to the story and to our awakenings.
My biggest lessons this year have been the acceptance of what life is and having a Truthful relationship with it all and that Trauma is a HUGE gift. I never would have thought that way 4 months ago, but now I understand how Trauma actually creates the space for awakening.
What were your biggest lessons in 2018? What are you looking forward to in 2019?