I get asked a lot of questions about how people can create an Erotic Breakthrough and finally break free of the things that hold them back from having the sex lives and relationships they desire.
One of the most frequent issues people want to solve is a discrepancy in their sex lives; one person wants more sex than the other, they have differing Erotic Blueprint Types™, or they simply feel that they are not compatible.
I believe that sexual incompatibility is a myth. We simply haven’t been taught how to speak each other’s erotic languages. If I speak English and you speak Mandarin, in order to communicate better we can each learn to speak fluently the other’s native tongue.
But here’s the issue.
Are you actually willing to take the time and create the space to learn? Or are you defensive, resistant, and unwilling?
The biggest intimacy-crushing block is an unwillingness to learn, to take the time, and to listen to what our lover(s) needs are in the bedroom. It can be soul-crushing for the person in the relationship who really wants to create a more satisfying experience of their eroticism.
Unwillingness can show up in a number of different ways:
- Resistance to learning something new
- Thinking you know it all already
- Being defensive when your lover gives you feedback
- Not showing up when asked to
- Taking things personally instead of really listening and getting curious
- Purchasing the course, program, or workshop and then not engaging
- Picking fights with your lover when you are about to make love
Unwillingness is not to be confused with conversations around consent. Consent is about finding your clear yes’s and your clear no’s. It has a much different energy. If there is a flat-out hard no, respect your partner’s no. There is a difference between a hard no and a resistance related to unwillingness. Always respect your partner’s nos. We have a tool called the Sex Communication Check List that can help you determine what is a hard no and what your partner is willing to explore.
The good news is that unwillingness may ease when you get to the core of what is underneath it. On the Netflix series, Sex, Love and Goop, I worked with Erika and Damon, a couple who deeply loved each other, but were really struggling in their sex lives. They felt a big discrepancy and Erika felt unheard. You can see the resistance at first in Damon. However, when we got to the bottom of it, cleared the charge, and helped Damon see some powerful reframes, the unwillingness and resistance shifted to playful exploration and a desire to dive into learning more.
If you haven’t seen the series Sex, Love and Goop, make sure to check it out to see how we navigated this issue.
So, how do you shift unwillingness to a willing desire to explore?
The very first step is to create an open conversation with our lover. Here are three steps to do that:
- Say Something Positive – “I love how I can talk to you about anything and how that brings us closer together.”
- Create Ease and Safety – “There’s nothing you have done wrong and I’m wondering what would help you feel safe to talk with me about our sex life.”
- Make a Request – “I would love to talk to you about what is really going on for you when we talk about sex, when would be a good time.”
If your lover is even willing to have the conversation, you may want to call on outside help from a Certified Erotic Blueprint Coach™ or a therapist that can help you to navigate these waters. Sometimes just talking about this topic can bring up so much. We can get easily frustrated with an unwilling partner, but remember to be compassionate and seek to understand that unwillingness. Create a safe space to help your partner feel that they can voice what is really underneath it all.
If your lover is unwilling to have the conversation don’t lead with the fact that they are unwilling or resistant, instead ask them what feels like the biggest charge or issue with exploring sexually with you. You may find that they are really scared. My partner Ian was the resistant one in our relationship. It turned out that he was simply scared of failing. Once we uncovered that, we created easy ways for him to win. Easy wins build confidence and can help shift unwillingness to eagerness to do more.
Here are some common themes living underneath unwillingness:
- Being scared of failing
- Past criticism that has built up over the history of your relationship
- Feeling hopeless – what’s the point?
- A negative experience when learning in other areas of life – such as school
- Past traumas or intense experiences
- Fear that a partner will be harmed in some way
- Conditioning around sex – it’s bad, shouldn’t be talked about etc.
When you can get to the bottom of the issue we can then work to remove the real block. Once the emotional block is removed I see a rebirth and an aliveness. Deep down the majority of people really do want to please their lover.
And sometimes the unwillingness will not budge. Your lover won’t talk about it, will not allow any help, will not do any introspection to move things forward. It may be a flat out hard no to exploring sexually. If so, do not try to coerce your partner into something they flat out do not want to do. If this is the case then you may need to do some serious soul searching.
Here are a few options if you have a lover unwilling to look at their unwillingness:
- Go on a Solo Journey of Erotic Awakening! – It never hurts to do your own exploration, your own growth and discover about your body. And many times it only takes one to change a relationship. When you grow your lover sees that and many times will follow your lead.
- Get Support – Even if your partner is unwilling to see a Therapist or work with a coach that doesn’t mean that you can’t seek the support of someone who can guide you. They can help you to remove your own charges and blocks and to gain clarity on what you really want. Support can also come from a Sex Positive community. Our Erotic Freedom Club community amazes me every day with how they support each other on the journey.
- Get Honest With Yourself – How willing are you to stay in a relationship with someone who is unwilling? What are your options? There is the solo journey, however, you may be at a place where you’ve done that journey and change still didn’t happen. What do you need from your lover and if your lover is unwilling to provide that, what are you willing to sacrifice?
- Make a Choice – Don’t feel like you are stuck forever in the unwillingness zone. You have choices.
- Stay in the Relationship and Satisfy Your Own Needs – You can have a satisfying sexual relationship with yourself.
- Talk to your lover about opening your relationship – If your lover is unwilling to meet your needs or to grow with you, you may want to consider opening your relationship.
- Transform Your Relationship – It may be time to transform your relationship with Conscious Uncoupling. This is a way to consciously recreate your relationship by transitioning healthfully out of it in its current form.
Unwillingness can be hard. All the people in a relationship can feel frustrated. Sadness and fear may arise. But in the end, if there is a glimmer of willingness to dive into the resistance we feel we can unravel it. On the other side is a sexual life full of curiosity, freedom, playfulness, and unlimited creativity. When I see my clients finally break free from unwillingness and the hidden things that create it, wow, they start to soar. Suddenly there is a newfound freedom and it feels like there is an unlimited expansion into erotic play. It’s a profound moment that feels so rewarding every time.
And it takes time.
This moment can come quickly in a deep dive immersion, like it did for Erika and Damon on the show. But most often it comes after 8-10 months of really unraveling the conditioning and deeper emotional inhibitors underneath the resistance. So don’t get discouraged if it feels like it’s taking awhile. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back until one day the energy frees and suddenly you are playing away!
If you are just starting this journey you may want to get involved in our Erotic Blueprint Course™ and Erotic Freedom Club community. Here you will find a safe space to explore and added support to help you navigate these waters. And if you want to take a deeper dive, be sure to check out our Coach Directory where you can find a private coach to help you.
Take a breath. Notice how you feel in this moment. And know you are not alone.