One of the many things that haunts people when it comes to sex is ‘talking about sex.”
Most people don’t know how to communicate their needs in ways that nurture trust and deepen connection in their relationship.
When there is a lack in communication skills, all the sex skills in the world won’t matter.
This communication breakdown can lead to loads of unfulfilling intimacy and a potential for cumulative resentment that sometimes ends up crushing the relationship.
Whether you’re involved in a long-term partnership, have multiple lovers or you’re currently single and in the dating world, empowered, informed and authentic communication is a super skill that will serve you in experiencing the sexual satisfaction that you deserve.
This is not simply the “Faster!”, “Slow down”, or “RIGHT THERE!” screams that you make in the throes of passionate sex.
This is learning to listen, respond, and express…outside of the moments of sweaty passion.
1. Ask:
Your partner(s) may or may not understand the art of sharing their turn ons and desires. They may actually not know what creates arousal and ecstasy in their body, let alone how to articulate it. You may need to create a safe space for your lover to be vulnerable and ask them very directly what it is that turns them on.
Try asking them about the hottest times they’ve ever had, what worked and what didn’t about those encounters. Ask them what happened before and after. Ask them about their fantasies.
Very Important: listen without judgment, so they feel safe enough to share. If they share something shocking to you, do your best to make their fantasy okay, even if it’s not your thing. Stay curious about it, especially if it’s triggering to you. “What turns you on about that fantasy?” “Do you think this is something you want to actually experience, or is it something that turns you on just to think about it?” By asking questions, you may find a way to be turned on by their fantasy or a way to play with it that feels safe and sexy to you. Win/win!
Play giving and receiving games to get a vocabulary of arousal and turn on: Ask them to receive different touches from you and rate the pleasure on a scale of 1 to 5 for each touch.. If they don’t like to talk at all while playing, pay attention to how their breathing changes, their body contracts or relaxes and see when goosebumps show up.
We have a number of communication games available in our Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course. You no longer need to stumble around in the bedroom. The skills you need to become an erotic master and sex life superhero are available to you in this course.
It can be vulnerable work to claim your pleasure, so be willing to bring your full presence for every part of the conversation. Take breaks if things get intense and do your best to leave your ego at the door.
2. Listen:
When we listen, a lot of the time we are listening only to respond. But the rules of active listening are that we listen, not to respond, but to understand. THEN respond.
Active listening is an artform all its own. But when we slow down to hear what our partners are sharing and what they are asking for, we become instruments of their fulfillment.
We see one of the fundamental purposes of relationships is the opportunity to be truly, deeply and fully seen for who and what we are. To be loved unconditionally for it. How do you feel when you have been fully seen and accepted? Amazing, right?
To take the time to fully see and accept our partner(s) is the ultimate gift.
When you offer this gift to your lover(s), it breeds depth to your intimacy and sets a foundation of trust.
It takes your presence and it takes commitment to actively listen, but this practice pays dividends in spades.
3. Honor:
When you respond, respond with understanding, compassion, care and enthusiasm. Showing the other person that what they share with you is something that you honor. You see them, you respect them and you accept them (Yes, you can accept without agreeing with them).
Honor your lover with actions that flow from their requests. Telling them what you’ve heard is great, but providing them with the love, touch and connection that they have asked for, shows them that you’ve got them!
Honoring your lover opens the door for deeper, more fulfilling connections. You open the door to the mysteries and endless excitement of true intimacy.
This vulnerable intimacy bolsters the opportunity for truly passionate and steamy sexual adventures.
4. Request:
Now, it’s YOUR turn to request that your desires be fulfilled.
You’ve asked. You’ve listened. You’ve honored. Now, you’re going to ask for what you want without shame, fear, or judgment.
And this is often the hardest part.
We don’t want to be seen as demanding or high-maintenance, so many of us tend to push our needs to the backburner. But when you endow yourself with the power to speak up as your own advocate, those things you crave manifest and the sex can become the soul-shattering eroticism of your dreams.
What’s interesting is that your partner would probably love a guide book to your pleasure. Most of us want to succeed in giving our lovers the ecstatic experiences they crave. So you’ll be doing your lover a favor by learning your own turn ons and then guiding them to be your ultimate lover.
When we get really clear of our “yes’s” and our “no’s”, this creates clarity and safety for our partner(s). It actually builds trust to be direct and articulate about what we want and don’t want.
Communicating all of this with finesse, compassion and enticement, this is a skill set that can be learned over a lifetime. Again, a great place to start is our Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ Course.
5. Use empowering, encouraging language
Many times people are more receptive to hear about your experience, what’s working, what you love and what you want more of, rather than hearing how they are “doing it wrong.”
There are numerous studies that show people improve and deliver better results when they are given only positive reinforcement.
One powerful approach to getting what you want in the bedroom, as well as everywhere else in your relationships, is the use of “I” messages along with positive reinforcement.
Try:
“I love it when you…”
“I would be even more turned on if you adjust that touch to be more…”
Rather than:
“You should do it this way”
“Don’t do that”
“You never…”
“You always….”
Speaking your truths from “I” rather than “you” invites your lover into your experience, rather than raising the guns of their ego and defense.
It’s time to have some sexy conversation with your partner(s), don’t you think?
Play with these 5 tools and see how a new level of sexual satisfaction evolves in your intimate life!
You may be surprised how overall life fulfillment goes up too.
