Comparison is the thief of joy, even when that comparison is to ourselves! That said, it can be scary and downright frustrating when it seems like all of a sudden we’re no longer experiencing the levels of pleasure, connection and intimacy we were in the past.
Rather than getting stuck in comparison, why not get curious about what’s going on with you, your body and your pleasure?
It’s time to don your detective gear and get clear about exactly where you are and where you desire to be! Keep reading to discover all of the tools you need to become your very own sex detective.
Your Erotic Blueprint™ Type
Understanding your Erotic Blueprint Type and stack (the order in which your body needs things in order to experience erotic ecstasy) plays a huge role in optimizing your sex life. Everyone’s body is different. An Energetic’s path to pleasure will look different than that of a Sexual Blueprint™. A Kinky Blueprint™ will approach erotic experiences differently than someone who is primarily Sensual. And, of course, those Shapeshifters need it all!
Detective Question #1: What is your Erotic Blueprint Type? Are you honoring and feeding your Blueprints?
Don’t know your Erotic Blueprint? Take the quiz here!
The Five States/Stages of Sexuality
Understanding which stage or state of sexuality you’re in can provide a foundation for some ace detective work. A state is something you experience that fluctuates over a short period of time; this can vary day by day or even moment by moment. A stage is when you’re in a space for a prolonged amount of time. The states of sexuality outlined below aren’t hierarchical; none of them is better than the other nor do you move through them in any specific order. They’re listed here simply so that you have language to describe the space you’re in right now.
Resting – This is the state of not having sex – whether or not it’s by choice. You may be choosing celibacy for a variety of reasons; it can be very healing when you consciously choose to allow your system to rest. Resting has a lot of value; we don’t value it enough in our society! However, this state can be challenging when you, or your partner, desires to be physical when the other is in a resting state.
Healing – This state sometimes goes together with resting. You can be healing and automatically in resting because you’re not having sex. This state can be about healing from some sort of physical trauma you’ve experienced such as an infection or illness. It could also be emotional healing: grief, heartbreak and/or other emotions that cause your libido to go down. You can still be having sex when you’re healing but often resting and healing go together simply because libido goes down while in these states. The shadow for this state is that there’s always something arising that needs to be healed and processed and so you’re stuck in this stage.
Curiosity – This is the state when you’re interested in the how-tos of sex. You’re learning about how to make your sex life better, possibly through reading books and taking classes. The shadow is that you can stay stuck in this stage, gaining all of this knowledge that you’re not necessarily putting into practice.
Adventurous – In this state/stage, you’re probably really excited about pushing edges, exploring anything you’ve never done before; in general, you’re going out on a sexual adventure – exploring being free in your sexuality. The shadow of this stage is that you can constantly seek the adventure – the next high – and never really drop into the pleasure of the adventure itself.
Transformational – This is the state of exploring sex beyond the physical. This can include experiencing Taoist sexuality, sacred sexuality, sex magic, tantric sex and utilizing sex for going into altered states of consciousness. The shadow of this state is that there can be snobbery around it, a belief that this is somehow the “best” state/stage to be in. Again, none of these states is better than the other! Another shadow of this state is that it can be a way of avoiding pleasure by creating an attachment to enlightenment through sexual activity.
Detective Question #2: If you don’t desire to stay in the state/stage you’re in, which state would you like to be in?
Detective Question #3: If you don’t desire to stay in the state/stage you’re in, which state would you like to be in?
Understanding where you are and where you desire to be assists you in accessing more pleasure and satisfaction in your life.
Obstacles and Pathways
Now for the meat of your detective work: identifying the obstacles that are creating struggle or suffering in your sex life. You’re going to want to break out a notebook for this one because it can be quite involved. Be gentle with yourself through this process because once you understand what the obstacles are, they become pathways to optimize your sex life!
There are four areas where obstacles and pathways can show up: physical, biochemical, emotional, and bioenergetic.
Physical – This includes anything physical that’s happened to you: car accidents, falls, breaks, injuries, dental work, scar tissue, surgeries, pregnancy and childbirth. Scar tissue and adhesions can have a huge effect on sexuality and self-pleasure practices!
Detective Question #4: What has your physical body endured? List out everything that you’ve experienced, whether you think it’s affecting you or not.
Biochemical – This has to do with your hormones and neurotransmitters. Things like low sex hormones, endometriosis, PCOS, and adrenal fatigue can affect libido. Air fresheners, certain birth controls, and plastics can also disrupt hormones. Deficiencies in the neurotransmitters- dopamine, Serotonin, Acetylcholine, GABA- can also have an effect on your eroticism. The great news about this area is that many deficiencies can be helped through supplements! Please see a medical professional such as an endocrinologist who can give you a full picture of how your hormones interact with each other.
Detective Question #5: Have you had your hormones tested within the last six months? Do you know your neurotransmitter dominance? Are there areas that you know of that you’re deficient in?
Bioemotional – This is all about the emotional body, including what you learned about sexuality growing up, what messages you received about sex, the beliefs you developed, and any feelings you may have regarding past sexual experiences. In your inquiry, include questioning around how things are going between you and your partner.
Detective Question #6: What was your sex education like growing up? What judgments do you have of yourself? If you were erotically expressed exactly as you wanted to be, what would that look like?
Bioenergetic – This is about identifying what your energetic sensitivities are, specifically to electromagnetics, fluorescent lighting, air fresheners, clothing you wear, and medications you take. You might be sensitive to the energies and emotions of others. Understanding these sensitivities can keep your system from getting overloaded and oftentimes can be helped by a simple environmental adjustment.
Detective Question #7: In which polarities do you find you currently live? Where would you like to be? Do you regularly experience system overload? What can be adjusted in your environment that you might be energetically sensitive to?
In each of these categories, write down everything that you’ve experienced, whether or not you think that you’re currently being affected by it and whether or not you think that it has anything to do with your sexuality. It’s actually the things that we don’t automatically connect to being related to our sexuality or libido that can have the biggest impact! If you’re noticing a decrease in libido, it’s an indicator that something is going on in your system.
You might be looking at a long list of things that you perceive as going “wrong” in your life. We want to remind you that you don’t have to do this alone. Our premier Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough Course empowers you to answer these questions, empowers you with what to ask for and how to engage with professionals (doctors and coaches) in turning these obstacles into pathways.
If you want more guidance and support in becoming your own sex detective and creating more pathways to pleasure, then come join us in The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™ course!
When you say yes to your pleasure, you get lifetime access to the course and premium access to Erotic Freedom Club, our sex positive online community of humans who are doing this work right alongside you.
Still have questions about which of our programs is right for you? Ask our Pleasure Bot here for assistance, or reach out to our customer care team for more personalized service!
