Holding back a part of myself for other people often feels like a caged tiger; a wild animal banging on its cage bars, demanding to be released. It feels like living stifled. It doesn’t feel like me.

“Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves.”

― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Coming out is a deeply personal experience, felt and held by the wisdom of the body, where someone befriends themselves to realize they do not fit society’s expectations around gender or sexual orientation.

Coming out can be a traumatizing, nuanced, beautiful, and a life-saving journey.

It is an act of bravery, and through these musings, I hope you can be more honest with yourself, whether you are someone who is wanting to come out or not at all.

National Coming Out Day was chosen in honor of the second major National March for Lesbian and Gay Rights, October 11, 1987. Since then, we have seen many incredible changes to the way that LGBTQ folks are allowed to live and love in the US and around the world.

Coming out is a CELEBRATION!!

It allows us to be more of ourselves in a world that doesn’t encourage that. No matter if you have only come out to yourself or if you are out to everyone you know, you are valid in your expression, rights, and identity. We see you and celebrate you today and every day.

While we celebrate National Coming Out Day on Tuesday, coming out really is a transition, a practice, and an expansion. It isn’t a singular event. It is a powerful choice that must be made over and over again. It is a deep honesty and knowing of yourself. We can all benefit from being more honest with our true selves. Here’s how to start:

Safety is key. It is not safe to come out in all areas of the world nor the US. There are many areas of life where coming out might never be an option, and there is validity in keeping yourself safe. While we are working towards a safer world, please consider your personal and emotional safety when thinking about coming out. Safety in our immediate environment is important for all of us.

To start, unclench your jaw, lower your shoulders, uncross your feet, pull your tongue down from the roof of your mouth, and take a deep breath. Then ask,

• What are my body’s needs right now?
• Do I need water?
• Can I do anything to help my body feel safer?

Orienting yourself to your body’s sensory needs multiple times a day allows you to start to be aware of your body’s safety meter throughout the day. When we are more aware of our body’s safety needs, we can not only call out when we need more of it but be acutely aware when we are in full safety with someone else, too.

The strength for folks to come out comes from a deep desire to be seen and known for all that they are. It is bravery, to see the world as a place where the most important part of you has to come out at all. Stepping into bravery is the first step to expansion. 

Honesty is hot. We have been brutally honest with ourselves, about who we are as people and about exactly what our desires could look like. There is play in imagining something you may not have seen before. Growing up, I was never told what being gay was, but I surely imagined me and someone of the same sex romantically. When you allow your imagination and dreams to fuel your desires, and step out of the conditions that you were placed into, your capacity for love, pleasure, and desire expands incredibly. This isn’t just possible for queer and trans people, but for all of us, when we allow our desires to be known to ourselves. We expand.

Allowing ourselves the creativity and capacity to imagine our full desires is a possibility that a lot of folks may have never thought of before. It is a way to love ourselves that we may not have had the opportunity to model. The desire to be seen for all of us first comes from ourselves and it starts with getting brutally honest. If sexuality feels too unknown for you right now, don’t start there. Start with where in your body you feel the desire to explore, and get curious about it. Is there a desire there you haven’t shared with yourself you’d like to expand on? Exploration in eroticism is how we play as adults.

To start, incorporate…

• The Erotic Blueprints® into your environment. If you are a Sensual Type™, for example, add soft blankets, lots of pillows, a plush fluffy robe, candles, whatever soothes your senses.
• A self-pleasure practice where you take a set time out of your day (I recommend 30 minutes to start) to be in your pleasure. This can be erotic or not! The only requirement is you must take intentional action to be in pleasure for the duration of the time.
• A journal practice where you list your desires. Yes, the small weekly ones, but also the really big dream-like desires! Write them out as a letter to your future self thanking yourself for all of the fun things you’ve received since then.

How else can you nurture your own desires?

Taking time to think about what you can do for your own eroticism allows you to expand into all corners of your life. You deserve to live full out. Living full out is easier to do, and life-saving for queer and trans folks, inside of a loving community.

“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Community is necessary. A pillar of survival for queer and trans folks is community. Blood relatives are not always a safe option for familial relationships so we create our own communities. When you’ve looked at the ways that you need to feel safe and the ways you can help yourself to expand your desire, you start to see that there might be aspects of other people or communities you’d want to get involved with. This can be online or in person, but it is important to surround yourself with folks who see, love, and uplift you for all that you are. You deserve it.

On this National Coming Out Day, I encourage you to spend some time loving yourself for all that you are.

I see you.

I celebrate you.

I love you.

Resources for Coming Out:
Reducing Sexual Prejudice: The Role of Coming Out

Tyler (they/them), the Queer Sex Coach, is driven by awakening folks to a new vision of their unique sexual selves through erotic expansion.

Tyler held themselves in moving through many gender transitions before they found a home as a non-binary human, giving them a unique ability to artfully serve each human in front of them.

Tyler has over 7 years of behavioral psychology study and is a Certified Erotic Blueprint Coach™.