Sometimes limitations and obstacles can be the key to exquisite pleasure. In my work as a somatic sexologist (a sexologist who works with students “hands-on”) I’ve had the opportunity to help clients who were differently-abled. From Paralysis to loss of limbs, it didn’t matter the disability; people still wanted and can have deep, satisfying intimacy. I hoped to assist them in reaching their goals- not by just talking about sex, but by actually working with their bodies.
Last year I saw the film THE SESSIONS starring Helen Hunt as a sex surrogate. It touched me deeply and reminded me of the importance of the work that I do. While I am not a sex surrogate, I do teach and work with my students in a much more intimate way than a talk therapist. I am able to touch my students in order to educate them about how their bodies work and how to please their partners. In many scenes in the film you see John Hawkes, who plays the paralyzed poet, Mark O’Brien, using his mouth to type and grasp things. I thought to myself “If he can use is mouth and tongue like that, oral sex would be a perfect place to begin!” There was the hilarious moment where Helen Hunt, playing sex surrogate Cheryl Greene, is sitting on John Hawkes’ face and he’s groaning- not from pleasure, but because he can’t breathe!
When you no longer have use of your hands, when you can’t have intercourse, when your tongue is your greatest asset in bed: oral sex can be the royal road to a satisfying sex life. My professional opinion is that great oral sex can bring couples dealing with certain limitations more connection and deeper satisfaction than they every imagined. Intercourse can be a little overrated and sometimes it isn’t even an option, that’s where oral pleasure isn’t just foreplay, it becomes the main course and a sex lifesaver.
Here are some keys to great Oral Sex in the face of disability:
1- Comfortable Positioning: Positions aren’t just for intercourse, they are important for oral lovemaking too. Use positional aids, pillows and props to help you find the positions that are most comfortable and that work for you. Remember that the obstacles are opportunities to get really creative. You can find positions that you never thought possible.
2- Taming Tensions- Tension kills stamina, so it is super important while you are giving to start from a relaxed place. Try stretching your neck or jaw while doing some deep breathing before you even begin. Breathing together can be a great way to deepen your connection.
3- Build Strength- Work out that tongue and mouth! There are many exercises that you can do to make your tongue stronger and more agile. Try this: Stick out your tongue, write in the air with your tongue, you can use a paragraph from this article to write, do not move your head, only let your tongue move.
4- Maintain Humor- Sex doesn’t have to be so serious. Have fun, play and remember to keep your sense of humor through it all. Think about what’s possible rather than focusing on what isn’t.
What if you don’t have a partner? I am all for and in total support of seeking out Sex Surrogates, Sexological Bodyworkers and Somatic Sexologists to help your reach your sexual goals. My personal experience is that “hands-on” therapies are very effective and can be profoundly life changing. It is important for you to work with someone you feel a resonance with and who feels confident that they can help guide you to where you want to go. There is no shame in seeking out professionals who can assist you in uncovering your passions, pleasures and sexual power.
What do you think? Has oral sex been helpful for you? Would you ever see a “hands-on” sex educator or therapist?
Jaiya, is and award-winning Sexologist and the author of Blow Each Other Away: A Couples’ Guide To Sensational Oral Sex. Visit her at www.missjaiya.com