She wants me to call her a whore!” Paul exclaimed. He stuttered the word “whore” and lowered his voice when he said it. His face got red and his body tightened as he said the word. Paul felt these words were degrading to his wife and they had no place in their sex life. Paul had a lot of shame about sex. He’s not the only one.
His wife, Pamela, was really turned on and charged by a little dirty talk. She liked being degraded in the right context. It actually didn’t feel bad to her, it felt good to be called these names. I asked her what she wanted to hear. She wanted words like – whore, slut, hoe. Feeling slutty was a huge turn on for her. It wasn’t like she needed it to get turned on. She just felt that hearing those words enhanced her arousal. She wanted to fantasize being a naughty girl.
Her husband Paul just couldn’t see her that way. “I respect her too much,” he told me.
Does the idea of talking dirty or calling your partner dirty names make you uncomfortable? Do you laugh when you try to do it?
Here is some help…
1) Realize- that what you do in the bedroom doesn’t reflect your daily waking life. If she wants to be a whore in bed, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t your goddess too. We can all play many roles.
2) Relax- about it all, really it’s just some words. Words are powerful and they can be a powerful turn on for many people, you’ve got to relax. Take a deep breath, distract yourself with something like the feeling of your partner’s body, and let it flow.
3) Research- by being a scientist about dirty talk. If it helps, think about it as an experiment. Discover your partner’s favorite naughty words that they want to be called. Read fantasies and erotica to get some ideas.
What makes you so uncomfortable? Really explore your discomfort. Is it because you feel like you are acting? Is it because you hold so much respect for them? Is it because you’re ashamed to use such words? Examining these questions might help you to break down some of the internal stuff that keeps you from letting go and indulging in your partner’s turn on.