Black tears are running down her cheeks. He shifts nervously on the red velvet lounge chair. In front of me I have a couple deeply in love, yet not connecting sexually. The pain of a passionless relationship feels like a slow walk toward a grave instead of the ecstatic aliveness of a fully expressed sexual passion between them. I watch this practically every day in my office.
In an effort to end this passionless, dead state from continuing, I want to give you three tools to help you create a long-term relationship that is filled passion.
Key #1- Mentorship
Ask yourself, who were your sexual mentors? Most people tell me that their parents never talked about sex – yet; you still had some form of sexuality education or mentorship. Maybe it was porn, or your friends telling you what they experienced, or maybe it was a book you picked up or a YouTube video? We have a lack of amazing mentorship when it comes to our sexuality.
Where are the people who have the kind of sexual life you desire? Learn from those people. A mentor can help you create systems and strategies that work. Most people out there are just letting things happen by default instead of actually designing what works to keep things hot and juicy.
Be teachable, listen to what mentors have to say and don’t come with a million excuses as to why it won’t work for you. After all, they are getting results. They are building sex lives and relationships that you want.
Key #2- Authenticity
We’ve all shut down when it comes to expressing our sexual desires. We play games instead of being honest and authentic about what turns us on or off. We fake it and we take it. Deep down we all fear rejection so we hide our true selves. We think we are unlovable, won’t be accepted, and will be judged. So we shut down and that shuts down the aliveness inside you and the aliveness in your relationship.
Most times, I have my private clients begin by filling out my Sexual Communication Check List (included in my book Cuffed, Tied & Satisfied). On this list are many possible sexual activities from kissing to Tantric Sex to playing with kinky toys. Each person fills out what activities they want to do, are willing to do and things that are off limits. Then they share notes. It’s amazing what happens when the conversation gets going and they find out that they are usually on the same page.
It takes a lot of energy to hide your desires. Sometimes you are on different pages, but at least it’s now a conversation and you can begin the steps towards understanding each other’s desires.
Key #3- Speaking Touch Languages
After years of working with the body in the sexual realm, I discovered 5 Core Erotic Blueprints. Think of these Blueprints like languages. If your partner speaks Chinese in the bedroom and you speak American English it might be hard for you to find sexual satisfaction or even turn on.
Couples need to learn how to feed, speak, heal and expand their blueprint so that they boost desire and sexual satisfaction.
Now go find some great mentorship, get fully authentic with yourself and your partner and learn how to speak each other’s blueprints! That will get you started on a path to more sex, more desire and more sexual satisfaction!
Know someone who might benefit from this article. Pass it on – they’ll thank you!